Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-05-06 06:13:06 (UTC)

Vicodin With A Vodka Chaser

I feel completely out of sorts. I'm not even sure where to
begin. I just don't feel like myself right now. I meant to
write last night. I logged in, opened up a new entry
screen and everything, but when it came to writing I just
didn't have it in me. I still don't really feel like
writing - I'm not sure where to begin. I'd rather just
wrap up in Snookie's blanket, lay down on the couch and
try to sleep.

Menstruation shouldn't be this painful. This is probably
my biggest problem at the moment. I'm in so much pain and
bleeding so heavily - a super plus tampon every hour since
yesterday morning (sorry, TMI). Thank goodness I don't
have many periods, because if I had to endure this every
month I'm not sure what I would do. Midol is like a band-
aid on a bullet wound. Probably the only thing that would
do me any good is a Vicodin with a vodka chaser, but
that's got bad idea written all over it. I've been taking
hot showers to help with the cramping and back pain and it
helps a little, but nothing gets rid of the feeling that
my uterus is about to fall out! Childbirth is so much
easier.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I hurt my shoulder
yesterday. Kiki spilt water on the kitchen floor and I
didn't know it. I walked into the kitchen and slipped in
the water. I reached out and grabbed the counter to catch
myself and hurt my left shoulder. I'm not sure what I did
to it, but now my arm is kind of tingly, it grinds and
pops when I rotate it and I can't lift it very much.
Snookums thinks I should get it looked at, but I've been
down that road before. When I tore the cartilage in my
knee last Summer they basically told me to walk it off.
The x-ray was clean and they don't do MRI's. I've never
heard of a hospital that doesn't do MRI's! Why waste an
afternoon at Naval Hospital only to get a bottle of Motrin
and if I'm lucky some Ibuprofen? I've got that at home.
I'm sure it's nothing time can't heal.

Today was a better day. My menstrual pain has subsided
some (the bleeding hasn't), but I'm still contemplating a
hysterectomy. Drastic? Maybe, but this is ridiculous.
There's also this laser procedure that removes the
endometrium... I wonder if Naval Hospital does that? I'm
done having kids. I can't do this 4 or 5 times a year for
the next 20 years or however long it takes for menopause
to kick in. I've had 4 periods since Keenan's been born
and all of them have been like this. That doesn't give me
much hope that things will get better. Working out helps.
Both mentally and physically. I feel good while I'm
working out and for a little while afterwards, but within
an hour of cool-down the cramps are back.

I'm whiny today, I know. But where else am I going to
complain? I'm just a mess and who wants to hear me bitch
and moan about it? Snookums would listen, but he's not
here and I feel bad sending him emails that aren't up-beat
and positive. He's got enough going on, he doesn't need to
worry about me on top of everything else. I think I'll
just go to bed.

The past few nights I've been sleeping on the couch
intentionally. My bedroom (which used to be my sanctuary)
has taken on a cold, austere feeling. The bed is big, cold
and empty. I only go in there to get dressed and change
Keenan's diaper. The few times I've fallen asleep on the
couch the past couple of weeks have taught me that the
couch is warm. It's cozy. It's closed-in and I almost feel
like I'm being held. What started out as being disruptive
to my routine has become the new routine. I found one of
Snookums blankets in the top of our closet. A soft knitted
blanket he takes with him on cruises in the Winter months.
It had his smell on it, so I curl up with that. I dream
about him every night :) I'm not going to try to
understand the psychopathy behind not wanting to sleep in
my own bed, but it is what it is and I'm going to do
whatever makes me feel most comfortable and secure. I'm
sleeping better. I've been falling asleep before midnight
almost every night. I consider that an improvement. I had
no idea all I needed for a good night's sleep was a change
in venue!

A few days ago I got lovely feedback from a new reader,
Melissa. She wanted me to mention her in an entry, so here
you go Melissa :) Something to look forward to when you
get caught up! My couch awaits... Ciao and goodnight.




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