Truthful

Finding my flow
2009-04-15 06:10:20 (UTC)

Exclusive recognition

Today, I realized after talking with my Therapist that I am
addicted to exclusive recognition. Not just recognition!
I never had any aim in life, I can't set goals. I liked
when people appreciated me for my good work and I wanted to
remain appreciated so I continued to do thing which proves
my exclusiveness. I think 'exclusive recognition' is the
best feeling in the world. I came to St.Stephen's college
then went to IIT then GRE not because of my interest for
chemistry or in general knowledge or making money. Those
were the easiest way to retain my 'Exclusive recognition'.
I left Munck's lab because I was not getting 'exclusive
recognition' I am getting equal recognition like that to
Mrinmoy, which was non-satisfactory to me.Why have I
stopped working since the new Grad student has joined our
lab, because I no more remain exclusive.
I have so much hunger for appreciation. If people don't
appreciate me I feel jealous of them if they are doing good
in their life like Rita mosi. I am not jealous of Puchchu
Bhaiya bacause he has appreciated me.I am not jealous of
Divya because she appreciated me. I was jealous of Luxmi
initially but when she praised me I started feeling good
about her.
If people don't appreciate me, I wish bad things to happen
to them. I want to feel the recognition for me explicitly
expressed for me.
I got so addicted to it. 'Addiction' is bad I always said
so and now I am myself realizing it in my own life.




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