Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-04-13 11:42:03 (UTC)

Moments Of Insight

It is swiftly approaching 5am and while I'm fully aware
that my ass should be in bed, asleep. I cannot. I've
already cleaned the house (as best I can in the middle of
the night, when anything loud would be inconsiderate). I
tried to read, but got distracted and I sat on the couch
for two hours, listening to music and gazing off into
space. I believe this was a good idea, because that's what
lead me here. I've decided I need to write.

I haven't written in the past few days because I feel that
my writing has become jejune. I've gotten bored with it.
I'll log in, open a new entry screen and at that point I
start wondering why I'm even here. My previous lack of
creativity and voice is bothersome and my inability to
delve any deeper beyond the obvious rhythmic activities of
my day is slightly depressing. Which could explain why
I've been feeling a little depressed lately. I'm not
allowing myself to truly FEEL anything. I'm on autopilot.
Part of that is due to Snookums being gone. I need to get
through this and sometimes emotions reek havoc on my
sense of well-being. And partly because I've just been
doing that a lot lately - not allowing myself to get too
involved, or emotionally invested. I've developed a sense
of apathy similar to what I experienced while on anti-
depressants, although not to as great an extend. Even now
I'm capable of feeling, I'm just choosing not to.

I'm extremely lonely. One may wonder how that's possible
seeing as how I've got three children, a job and spend 10
hours a week in the gym, but I am. I miss conversation in
the evenings, adult companionship and lets not even get
into physical intimacy. I will NOT allow myself to go
there. Today marks the half-way point of this deployment.
Exactly 3 months since Snookums left and (all things
willing) 3 months until he comes home. I've managed to
hold things together all this time, without any major
catastrophes or moral deviations. For this I'm very proud
of myself, but the fact remains I've still got 3 whole
months to go. I'm a pro-active person. I want to fix my
problem, but I'm unsure how to go about it. What do I do?
I've got a Myspace, a Facebook AND a Twitter account. I
considered Ashley Madison for about a nanosecond (not for
an affair, but isn't that what that site is for?), that
had "bad idea" written all over it in big, bold letters.
I've been avoiding my computer after midnight (with this
being an exception, because I needed to write) just for
that reason. I have my worst (and best) ideas after
midnight. I gave myself a simple guideline to live
by: "Don't do anything you wouldn't want to tell Jason
about to his face". Would I want to tell him I had an
Ashley Madison account? Hell no! So, therefore I won't do
it. I can name a million things I'd rather do than tell
him something like that. There are far greater grievances
in life than just being lonely (and I've lived quite a few
of them). I'll deal.

Annie woke up 3 times tonight crying because of
nightmares. She said every time she fell asleep she'd
dream that someone was outside her window watching her.
After what happened a few weeks ago I've been
extraordinarily diligent when it comes to watching her and
who's around her. She's never voiced any fears to me
before, but the boy is still hanging around our house and
still tries to talk to her any chance he can. There's
nothing I can do to stop him. I'm just starting to wonder
if this is taking it's tole on Annie in ways she's not
telling me - or isn't capable of telling me. I'm not
making a big deal about it and I haven't done or said
anything to make her paranoid, but it bothers me that he's
still in our lives. To the point where I won't let her
outside on the days when I can't watch her as closely as I
feel I need to. It must be bothering her, too. Almost a
month later and the guy is still lingering. He's a
persistent asshole.

Later this morning when I wake up, my goal will be to go
about my day in a more mindful state. I'm going to shut
off the autopilot for a minute and try to have a couple
moments of insight. My mind is too valuable a commodity to
let go to waste. Ciao.




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