Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-04-01 05:00:18 (UTC)

Motherhood Is A Battlefield

I've come to the conclusion that I NEED exercise. Not just
to lose weight (which I do, but that's a different story),
but to feel good over-all. I came to this conclusion years
ago, but after the crap-spiral I took yesterday (because I
went three days without a hard-core workout) I believe
this to be true even more-so. Exercise is most definitely
my anti-depressant. Keenan wasn't feeling well yesterday,
it was out of my control, but I'll try not to let it
happen again, even if it means giving up my Saturday's off.

I'm feeling slightly discouraged and I don't like it. I've
never been a skinny girl. I accept that and I'm 100%
comfortable with it (now. It certainly didn't used to be
that way), but on Sunday Kisha took a few pictures of me
while we were on our little field trip to Seattle and my
god, I looked down-right fat. All the work I put in, all
the conscientiousness (about food and exercise and
clothing choices, etc.) and I STILL look fat! I keep
looking at the pictures and I keep coming to that same
conclusion. Yeah, it bugs me a little. It bugs me that I
don't look as good as I feel. Maybe it was because my
purse is bigger than a piece of carry on luggage or
because my top kind of made me look a little pregnant, I
don't know. But I always take fugly pictures and I hate
it. You'd never know my mother was a model...

I'm not going to get down on myself. Not everyone was
meant to be 100 pounds. I'd rather be obese than anorexic,
but thankfully, there is a happy medium. As of now I'm
179. WAY far from where I'd like to be, but nowhere near
the 230 I used to be. Healthy weight loss is a slow
process, but I'm committed to it. After the overindulgence
of Sunday I'm back on track. Just for the hell of it, I
totalled up everything I ate that day and was kind of
disgusted to see the number. 3,918. That's more than two
day's worth of calories! It's going to take me all this
week to burn off the excess calories and that makes me mad
at myself. So now I've got incentive not to do that again.
It's very counter-productive and I don't like
backpedaling.

I had a great workout today. I can't begin to describe how
much I love the feeling I get after working out. I feel
silly leaving the gym with a huge smile on my face, but I
relish that feeling. It sticks with me for hours
afterwards and makes even the most stressful situations
seem so much more bearable. Like this evening. I was
trying to make dinner. Keenan was crying because he was
hungry. Annie had her lawyer pants on and was trying to
convince me that I should let her go to the pool by
herself tomorrow (SO not going to happen). Then Kiki fell
down and hit her head on the Gazelle (that has been in the
same place for the past 6 months). So, she started crying.
Then as I was trying to vacuum up some crumbs the vacuum
cleaner had a major malfunction and started spitting the
entire contents of the dust cup all over the place. So I
had to sweep up the much bigger mess with a broom. To top
it off, Kiki decided to use her coloring tray as a potty
and peed all over her crayons (why? Why would she do
that?). Did I get upset? Did I go postal and lose my mind?
NO! Did I kind of want to? YES! But I didn't. Had I not
gotten my workout in today I probably would have gone
medieval on my children, but I didn't and they shall live
to see another day. Motherhood is a battlefield. Soldiers
are prepared for war, mothers should be too!

It's almost 10pm and I've got nothing to do. The kids are
asleep. The laundry is done. So are the dishes. The house
is spotless. I think I'll take a bath and attempt to get
to bed before 3am. I've already got the kettle going for a
nice cup of tea. Ciao and goodnight :)




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