Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-03-24 07:02:21 (UTC)

Witnessing The Sunrise

Going to the gym this morning was exactly what I needed. I
took all of my frustrations out on the Arc Trainer and
burned 735 calories in 1 hour. Not my best work, but the
best I've done since starting back at the gym these past
few weeks. The other people in the cardio room must have
thought I was crazy. I was so angry, I kept envisioning
the bastard underneath my pedals. Every step I took landed
right in his face. Violent, yes. Kind of goes against the
non-violent Buddhist way of life I aspire to live, but
I've already decided I'm not reaching enlightenment this
lifetime. I can afford to be a little violent. I'm not
scared anymore. I'm just fucking pissed.

Around 3:30 this afternoon Kiki asked me to make her some
scrambled eggs (that child eats constantly and I'm her
short order cook). As I was throwing away the egg shells a
movement caught my eye outside the kitchen window. I
glanced out, not thinking anything of it and there he was.
Standing on the corner, across the street with his little
white dog. I dropped the egg shells, bolted out the front
door and was about to run across the street and attack
him, but Keenan started crying and brought me back to my
senses. That plan was a faulty one at best. Instead I
watched as he vanished between the buildings behind the
mini-mart. Why would he do that? Is he trying to scare me
or is he just that stupid? Something is terribly wrong
with him. I called the number the police officer gave me
yesterday, but all I got was a voicemail and no call back.
How am I supposed to live like this? Annie's bus drops her
off around 3:45pm right in front of our house. If I hadn't
seen him, would he have been there when she got home? You
have no idea the kinds of thoughts I've been thinking
lately. I never made it to bed last night. I sat on the
couch and watched TV until 7:45am. I woke Annie up for
school, fed Keenan and put him back down, saw Annie safely
onto the school bus and then laid down for an hour until
Kiki woke up a little before 10am. I can't do that again
tonight. I'm too tired and quite frankly I'm not that
scared anymore. I'm too exhausted to be scared.

I hadn't heard from Snookums since Friday evening, but I
got a call from him tonight. I'd sent him a few emails
this weekend, keeping him posted on everything that was
going on. Part of me wishes I hadn't said anything to him,
because now he's trying to come home. It's like deja vu.
He tried coming home during the last deployment. I
understand that he's worried about us, but I don't need
him to come home. Even if they agreed to let him come
(which they won't), it would only be for a week or two and
that would be terribly disruptive for me and the kids
(especially Kiki). I miss him, I want him home, but I can
wait it out like every other Navy wife.

It's just after midnight and I'm heading off to bed. There
will be no witnessing the sunrise tonight. I'm getting
some sleep. Ciao.




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