Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-03-10 06:15:52 (UTC)

Waves Of Revulsion

I made it through another day! Small victories are just as
important as the big ones :) I'm feeling great. Really.
I'm still tired, a little rundown, but mentally I feel
infinitely better. I'm starting to get back into the "gym-
groove" and it's great. I'm more than just a mother and
I'm starting to re-embrace that. I lost it there for a
minute. I love being a mom, but I'm a young woman, too. An
attractive young woman (if I do say so myself), but for a
little while I didn't notice or even care. I do now. I'm
coming out of the motherhood funk!

Not to dredge up the painful past or anything (because you
know how much I hate doing that), but today is an
anniversary of sorts. On this day (March 9th) of 2007 I
started the affair. In my mind, since Snookums left, I've
been keeping a mental timeline of the events that
transpired from the time Snookums left (in 2007) until the
time he returned. Not because I like self-inflicted pain,
but because I want to stay mindful. Whatever lead me to do
what I did (to this day I still don't know), I want to
make damn sure it doesn't resurface. At this point, I'm
fairly certain that it won't. Just thinking about it sends
waves of revulsion down my spine. Somehow I've got to find
a way of letting it go, but I don't know how. It isn't so
much guilt or regret. Many good things have risen out of
the ashes of this fuck-up. It's more along the lines of
eating something really disgusting - that tasted bad or
was texturally funky - and then after the fact finding out
what it was. Once it's done you can't undo it, but every
time you think back on it, you get that hot, nasty feeling
in the pit of your stomach. It's exactly like that. As
Winston Churchill said most eloquently "Those that fail to
learn from history are doomed to repeat it" I'm not one of
those people.

I always have the sense that Snookums is with me. It must
be very similar to what widows and widowers feel after
time has passed and the work of healing is near
completion. Initially I grieved. I mourned him. He's gone,
boo-hoo me. Now I've gotten past it. I do miss him. I miss
him very, very much, but (unlike the loves of widows and
widowers) I know he's coming home eventually. It's just a
matter of time. As I go about the rigors of day-to-day
life; sitting in traffic, grocery shopping, working,
cleaning the house, whatever. I FEEL him all around me.
It's like a part of him is always next to me, inside me,
behind me. I never feel 3,000 miles away from him. It's
like he was just here and walked into the next room.
Especially at night, when the children are asleep and the
house is quiet. I feel enveloped in the small comforts of
his past presence here. It's hard to explain. All I know
is that I feel him and it feels good to feel him. I don't
ever want to lose this again. Ciao.




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