Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-02-22 06:48:05 (UTC)

What Could Be, What Should Be Or What Might Be

I was in bed by 11pm last night :) That makes me happy.
What makes me even happier is that I fell asleep before
12:30am. That's real progress for me. Annie had Thinking
Day at Girl Scouts this morning. She needed to be there at
10am and that's the first thing that popped into my head
the moment I woke up. I sat up in bed like I was running
late, but when I looked at the clock, it was only 7:32am.
That would be yet another benefit of getting to bed before
3am. I feel silly for being so proud of myself for
something most people do without thinking, but I've had
problems sleeping since I was at least 12 years old. A
healthy sleep cycle is so important to a balanced life.
I'm working on it every day. Sleeping and living.

Sometimes I wonder why it's so hard. Some people travel
through life and don't give it much thought. They're happy
or they're not. Life is good, or it's not. One way or the
other, they don't dwell on what could be, what should be
or what might be and they don't try to change. It is what
it is and that's it. I don't understand why I can't just
live. Why do I have to question everything? I question my
very existence. I want to be happier. I want to be better.
I'm always thinking and at times I wish I could stop. I'm
kind of tired of self-improvement. What's wrong with the
way I am? Is this constant quest for self-improvement
really necessary? I'm a little selfish. Self-centered.
Materialistic. Bitter. Irritable... I could go on and
since I can, I suppose it is necessary. How long will it
take for me to REALLY feel like I'm the person I want to
be? Or is that ever really possible?

As hard as I've tried to make myself believe in an
afterlife or reincarnation, I still can't seem to do it.
Maybe I'm wrong (I hope I am), but in my mind life ends at
our last breath and I want to make the most of the one
life I have. I don't want to live it in pain. I'm tired of
being up one day, down the next for no apparent reason
other than a turbulent past that really isn't a factor
anymore. So, I'm going to keep working at this. I won't
give up striving for inner peace and happiness. I'll keep
at it until I finally get it right. Ciao.




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