Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-02-11 08:51:02 (UTC)

Life As Usual

I'm not sure how I managed to go so long without writing.
Somehow it just slipped my mind. Trust me, there isn't
much to miss out on. It's life as usual for me. Kids, work
and cleaning. Nothing much else to share.

It decided to snow today. I'm not at all fond of snow.
Sure it's beautiful if you don't have to leave the house,
but if you've got somewhere to go, it's nothing but a cold
wet nuisance. By the time I left for work there was about
2 inches on the ground. As I was tip-toeing through the
cold stuff I hoped to myself that it would stop
instantaneously and be totally melted by the time I left
the mall. I kind of got my wish. It wasn't snowing in
Silverdale (when I got there) and when I came out of the
mall all the snow on the RAV and in the parking lot was
gone. I was very relieved. There's nothing I dislike more
than getting cold and clearing snow off the windows would
have been very chilly work.

Thanks to the snow and the thoroughly jacked-up economy
work was quiet tonight. I was glad for it. Lately I've
been very introverted. All I want to do is think and talk
to myself (in my head, not out loud). I'm not upset about
anything. I just feel like mulling. There's a saying that
one should be their own best company and I guess I am.
Every once in awhile nagging voices plague me, but not so
much lately. It's just me in there :)

I got a nice compliment for the Baskin Robbins guy. I go
there because they give mall employees a discount on
drinks. I've known him for a long time. Not just from the
mall, but even further back than that. When he was a
teenager he used to go to the Youth and Teen Center with
Annie. He would hang out in the teen center, she was in
the daycare. I saw him regularly, but didn't start talking
to him until he got the job at Baskin Robbins a couple
years ago. He must be around 20 now. Anyhow I digress. He
noticed that I've lost weight and told me I looked good,
but that I shouldn't lose anymore because I'd be too thin.
I don't know what's wrong with his vision, but that's
hardly a fate I'm anywhere near in danger of experiencing.
He must prefer thicker women. Whatever floats his boat.
It's kind of weird getting a compliment like that from
someone I still kind of see as a child. I feel so much
older than him. I was a wife and mother when he was still
hanging out at the teen center playing video games. He is
kind of cute :) But I'm pushing that jezabelian thought
out of my head. As of January 13th men don't exist to me.
Somehow I've got to curb my inherent sexuality and put it
on hold. I know wholeheartedly I don't want to stray
again, but holy shit it's hard not thinking about it just
a little. Snookums is a saint for putting up with me.
There is no doubt about that.

A crackhead came in tonight and tried to return 4 year old
underwear for cash. She had a receipt and everything. The
only problem was the date on it was 1/15/05. I couldn't
help her. We've got a strict 90 day policy. I'm not
judging her and I felt sorry enough for her that I almost
wanted to do it. She admitted to being a crackhead. She
even apologized for fiending (she was a mess. It was sad).
I couldn't give her cash, but I offered her a store
credit. She wasn't interested. She just left. I thought
she took the disappointment really well. Most people not
on drugs have hissy-fits when they can't return something.
I kind of felt a strange combination of admiration and
pity for her. Anybody could end up like her. Sometimes
people give me new reasons to be thankful for who I am,
what I have and what I've yet to become. I hope she gets
help.

Snookums sent me an email today letting me know he
scheduled the procedure - the vasectomy. I was starting to
think he wasn't going to go through with it, but he proved
me wrong. At first I was kind of against the idea. It's
not that I want more children. I don't. I'm not sure I
have it in me to go through another pregnancy and I'm even
more sure I don't have it in me to raise another child.
There's just something so final about sterility. I have to
accept that my childbearing years have come to an end. Not
physically of course. I'm sure menopause is still a good
20 years off, but for all intents and purposes, they're
over. I think I'm okay with it now. There's great freedom
in knowing I won't get pregnant again. No more pills,
condoms foams or coitus interruptus :) Freedom. I think
there's a lot to be gained from a little snip-snip :)

I'm hungry and tired. I think I need to go meet my basic
needs. I haven't been eating enough or sleeping enough. If
breathing wasn't an involuntary action I probably wouldn't
breathe as often as I should, either. I really need to put
myself back on my priority list. Ciao.




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