Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-02-07 05:42:31 (UTC)

So Many Debilitating Secrets

After having so many debilitating secrets growing up, I
vowed that when I became an adult I wouldn't keep secrets.
They fester and eat away at you. There is no good in
keeping secrets (unless it's something someone has asked
you not to tell. In that case, take it to the grave).
While I don't feel that everyone needs to know everything
about me, I do enjoy being open. But not as much as I used
to. As I get older I'm starting to keep things to myself.
I'm not sure if I'm just tired of being open or if I'm
realizing that I'm not all that interesting of a person
and my life is pretty banal. I don't know. Sometimes I
don't feel like sharing. So if I seem distant at times,
it's because I am. That being said, I kind of feel like
sharing :)

I hadn't mentioned this to anyone until today at coffee
with Gen, but it's been popping into my mind off and on
all week. I need to write it down. Last Friday when I went
out with some of my co-workers I did something that was
totally unexpected and kind of exhilarating. Rebecca (one
of the co-managers at VS) asked me to do a shot with her -
a Lemon Drop (she was doing the shot, I was just a
participant). She placed a lemon wedge in my mouth, facing
out. She downed the shot glass of vodka, lemon juice and
sugar and then proceeded to very meticulously extract the
lemon wedge from my mouth, using her tongue as a fulcrum.
I did not see it coming (I'd never seen this particular
shot done before), I totally wasn't expecting it, but once
I realized what was happening, I kind of liked it. That
made me feel a little guilty. This convinces me that I
should never go out. I should just stay home with the
kids. Where I'm safe from all sexual distractions.

I've never been actively interested in girls. I've had a
couple of encounters in the past, but they were kind of
like this shot thing. Unexpected, unplanned and never
repeated. I'm pretty sure I'm heterosexual... With some
homosexual curiosities, apparently. Snookums said I could
have a girlfriend, but I don't honestly believe he means
it and if he does, I don't think he'd feel the same about
it if I were to get one. I think he sees it as a
stereotypical fantasy guys are "supposed" to have. Wanting
to watch girl-on-girl action. I don't think he'd like it.
He'd probably feel the same way has he did when it was a
man. I don't think any type of experimentation outside of
one another is a good idea. Call me conservative, but I'm
not taking the chance.

Now I have a slight quandary. Before Snookums left I
decided that I wouldn't do anything I was afraid to tell
him about. In my eyes, this wasn't a big deal. It was just
a silly drinking game and regardless of whether or not I
enjoyed it, it wasn't like I was hooking up with her. It
was a once in a lifetime type thing. I'll tell him about
it, but I'm going to wait until he calls again. Not in an
email. When I told him I'd gone out, he didn't like it
very much. I don't want to put any doubt in his mind. I'm
just a magnet for bad behavior, apparently.

On a more domestic note, Keenan has figured out how to
nurse without biting me. After he cut his new teeth, I was
a little worried that getting bit was going to become a
common occurrence, but after taking the breast away a
couple of times he figured out that biting down was not a
good thing to do, so we're back to the pleasant
breastfeeding experience we've been having for the past 7
and a half months. Man, I can't believe he's almost 8
months old. Where has the time gone?

I need to go to bed. Annie has Highly Capable testing
first thing in the morning (that's her school district's
name for the gifted program). She has to do it every year
to evaluate what level of instruction she needs for the
next school year. At this point, she's still testing
within the limits of her schools ability, but if she goes
much higher she'll have to start taking classes at the
Junior High level (at the Junior High) and I'm not sure I
like that. But if that's what has to happen, then I'll
deal. Is it so wrong for me to want her to stay a little
kid for awhile longer? I don't think so. Ciao.




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