Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-01-24 21:34:51 (UTC)

Unnecessary Mind-Chatter

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My mind has
a habit of racing out of control and at times it's nearly
impossible to shut it off. I ended up falling asleep
sometime after 6am and of course I was up by 8am because
that's what's expected of me. I get so angry with myself
and my body on nights I can't fall asleep. I think too
much. My mind is always ticking and sometimes I wish there
were a restart button or a way of blocking out all the
unnecessary mind-chatter that always seems to come right
when I want to have a mental chat the least. I envy
Snookums' ability to say "it's time to sleep" and 10
minutes later he's passed out. Why can't I do that, too?
I'll bet wherever he is in the world and no matter what is
going on with work, he's not losing any sleep at night.
The predominant concerns rummaging around in my mind were:

1). Money~ When will I get my W2 so I can get our taxes
done? How much will it be, since we had another baby? How
much of it should I put in the "untouchable account"?
Would it be okay to get the new dining room table I've
been wanting? Or should I wait until after we move? How
much will Annie's Summer camp be this year? Would she
rather do the YMCA military child thing again or would she
rather do the Girl Scout Camp? When exactly do I have to
have her tuition in again? Camp isn't until Summer, why do
we have to pay for it in winter? How much should I allot
Snookums for Hong Kong since $300 wasn't enough for Japan?
There's more, but I'd be here all day...

2). Transferring~ When will we find out if we got
Jacksonville? If we didn't get Jacksonville, what will our
next set of options be? When exactly will we be moving?
Which moving company should we use? Are we going to drive
or fly to the new duty station and if we fly will we be
able to ship both cars, none of the cars or only one car?
Should we take a vacation enroute to the new duty station?
If we do should it be Disneyland, Disney World, a family
cruise or a resort of some kind? How will the cats handle
the move? Should I have a moving sale? Do we have too much
weight for the household goods shipment? What should I
sell? I like my stuff, but it's all replaceable (except
for my pictures). This trail of thoughts goes on for
awhile, too...

3). My job~ I'm not sure I love it like I used to. Should
I quit? I only work a few times a month these days and is
it really worth it? I love my job when I'm there, I love
the discount and I like some of the people, but it isn't
the same place I used to adore working at. Does that mean
I should quit or does that mean I should just accept that
turnover makes a work environment different? I hate
leaving the kids in the evening. When they demand my
attention the most, especially Keenan. I spent 24/7 with
both Annie and Kiki their first year of life. Does that
mean I'm short-changing him by working even part-time? No,
not really, but it feels that way. Some of the juvenile
behavior that goes on there bothers me and I'm constantly
put in the position of taking sides or picking up the
slack when one or more key employees are having a personal
crisis. Do I really want to continue doing this? I've been
with VS for almost 3 years. I love the company and my
beautiful pink store (one of the few stores left with the
Queen of Hearts decor). I don't want to quit...

4). My house~ It needs work and I'm not motivated to do
it. Baseboards need to be scrubbed. Floors swept, mopped
and vacuumed. Corners cleaned. Laundry needs to be done.
Dusting is overdue. I don't feel like it and who's here to
care anyway? Why do I hold myself to such strict home
cleanliness standards? I've got three kids, mess comes
with the territory, I shouldn't beat myself up so much...

5). Kiki and Keenan~ I need to go through Keenan's
clothes. He's totally outgrown his 6-9 month stuff. I've
got a box of 12-18 month stuff with no place to go. Why is
it still in the closet? It's time to convert his bassinet
to a play yard, but is he ready for the crib? Am I ready
for the crib? Will he be okay downstairs? Why did they put
the kids' rooms on a different level then the parent's
room? Will Keenan be okay in the nursery with Kiki, or
should she move back into her sister's room? Will Annie
revolt if that happens? Should I set Kiki's room up in the
playroom since that's where she tends to want to sleep
anyway? Would that be enabling her? Caving to her whim?
Will Keenan keep Kiki up or will Kiki keep Keenan up?
Maybe I should move her to the playroom where all her
favorite things live. Yep...

These are just a few of the things I think about at 2, 3,
4, 5am. I'm too busy going about day-to-day life during
daylight hours to give too much of my attention over to my
mind-ramble, so it comes out at night. No quiet-time for
my mind. I shouldn't consider myself Buddhist, because I
suck at meditating... Ciao.




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