Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-01-14 09:14:03 (UTC)

Thoroughly Over Brooding

Maybe it does get easier. I dropped Snookums off at the
ship around 10pm last night. It wasn't fun. I didn't enjoy
it, but it was easier than it has been in the past. It was
easier than when he left in September (and that was only
for 7 weeks). It's not being alone that's hard. It's not
being on my own with the kids, responsible for everything,
forced into independence that bothers me about him
leaving. I'm capable of all those things regardless. It's
losing my friend. Snookums isn't just my husband. The
father of my children. My lover. He's a good friend. My
best friend and I'm going to miss him, but I'm going to be
just fine while he's gone. I can feel it. I'm confident of
that. There will be no repeats of 2007.

I gave myself the day to wallow in my own self-pity, but I
didn't need a whole day. By noon I was thoroughly over
brooding and had to get up and do something. I played with
the little ones. Kiki is taking daddy's departure very
hard and I tried to offset her unhappiness by spending
more time with her. She's extremely emotional and spent a
good portion of the day on the couch in front of the
living room window, looking out at the water. When I asked
her what she was looking at, she said she was looking for
daddy's big boat. I tried explaining to her that the water
outside our window isn't the same body of water daddy's
ship is in, but she couldn't understand. At dinner time I
asked her to please sit down so she could eat and that
prompted a complete and total meltdown. She dissolved into
tears, crying for daddy. It was heartbreaking. When it was
time for bed, she asked if we could please go get daddy
from the ship now. When I told her no, that prompted yet
another catastrophic breakdown. I feel so bad for her, but
there isn't a whole lot I can do other than comfort and
reassure her. Annie is a very stoic child. She takes
everything in stride and has never really been upset by
daddy leaving. She accepts that it's his job and while she
obviously misses him, she never loses sleep over it. Kiki
is just SO sensitive. Anything can bring her to tears and
that was especially so today. I hope being a Navy brat
doesn't permanently scar her!

I need a super-hot shower and my bed. My whole body is
tight and sore and all I can think about is very hot water
easing the tension. The period I thought was coming a
couple weeks ago decided to make it's unwelcome debut
Monday night - Snookums' last night home. That was
disappointing (no sex), but oh well. It's not like I have
any control over when it comes. I forget how uncomfortable
menses can be, I don't get a period very often. But, my
goodness my uterus feels like it's been shredded on an
industrial-sized cheese grater. Ouch... Ciao.




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