Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-01-04 05:18:48 (UTC)

A More Open Light

Time is passing too quickly. I HATE that I'm dwelling on
Snookums' departure, but it's part of my process. I want
to make the most of the time we've got left, but time is
slipping past too fast! I think the only solution is to
plop the whole family down in the middle of the Department
of Licensing. You know how it takes forever when you're
waiting in line to do something you'd rather not be doing?
Well, that's my idea. Time drags when what you're doing
sucks. It has to be an anomaly in the space-time
continuum, right? So, we'll move into a doctor's office or
another equally aggravatingly slow place. We'll find one
of those little tears in the fabric of time that just so
happen to hover over places with lines or waiting rooms.
It's a thought...

I don't normally go back, but tonight I did. I went back
to this time last year and read a few of my old entries.
I'm amazed at how unhappy and depressed I was. I don't
remember feeling that bad when I think back, but man I
most certainly was. My words don't lie. I was pregnant and
uncomfortable and Snookums and I were still working things
out in our marriage, but why was I so unhappy? Maybe I
should read a few more entries to find the answer to that
question. I'm just grateful that now things are different.
I'm feeling good, life is good, Snookums and I are doing
great (I think we're stronger for it - all the trouble I
brought upon us). I believe time heals all wounds, but
time doesn't get rid of scars. They're there to stay and I
feel I have a lot to learn from my past emotional peaks
and valleys. Just one more reason I love this diary!
Objective introspection is never easy. Unbiased
introspection is impossible, but it helps to have a
written past to look back on. Whatever was wrong, I can
now look at it in a more open light. More open than when I
was living it.

I'm transitioning from one phase to another. I've accepted
that Snookums is leaving and now I'm starting to
anticipate starting the life I live when he's gone. It's a
different life than the one we have together. I mourn a
little in the beginning, but there isn't much time for
that. I've survived more 2-3 month cruises than I can
count, but this is only the second 7 month deployment of
our marriage and I didn't do so hot during the first one.
I promised him I wouldn't repeat history, but honestly I'm
a little scared. We'll see if self-control is a learned
behavior or one you have to be born with... Ciao.




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