Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-12-28 21:13:13 (UTC)

A Catastrophic Vulnerability

Now that the moment has passed, my last entry is bothering
me. It's extraordinarily sappy and I had to stifle the
urge to just delete it. I like to think of myself as a
happy person, but I'm not a very sentimental person and I
don't usually get all chocked up over emotional things.
Christmas isn't my favorite time of year. I'm one of the
few people in the universe that counts down the days until
it's over. I just got caught up in the moment. Having my
family around. Seeing my father-in-law (whom I like, but
rarely get to see) and mother-in-law (Helena, the one I
like). It would have been perfect if my dad and brother
had been here.

Yesterday, all vestiges of Holiday cheer were removed from
the house. Kiki took it well, until it came time to
dispose of the tree. Instead of dragging the Christmas
tree through the house and out the front door, getting
pine needles everywhere in the process, Snookums took it
out onto the dining room balcony and threw it into the
back yard. Kiki swore up and down that daddy had killed
the Christmas tree. There was no way I could get her to
understand that the tree was already dead and that the act
of cutting it down was really what killed it. I'll have to
store in the back of my mind that the Christmas tree is to
be disposed of discreetly (when Kiki isn't around).
Preferably in the dead of night, at least until she's old
enough to understand that daddy isn't killing it by
throwing it off a balcony.

I didn't think it was possible, but now we're seeing less
of Annie than before. Her big gift this year (not big as
in price, but big as in high on her wish list) was a cell
phone. Nothing fancy. Just a little pre-paid cell phone
she can call her friends on, check in with us on and
probably (at some point) lose. We tried explaining to her
how she's got to keep track of her minutes, but the lesson
isn't sinking in. Now instead of coming upstairs to ask us
a question, she's calling us on her cell phone. I'm sure
when she runs out of minutes she'll figure out the lesson,
but until then it's annoying. My phone rings enough
without her help.

Last night I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling.
I don't know why. I couldn't sleep. It re-occurred to me
that I've only got about two weeks until Snookums leaves
again. This time for 6 months. Knowing as soon as he got
home that our time together was limited kind of tainted
the little time we had together. Instead of making the
most of it (which I've tried my best to do) I've found
myself dwelling on his departure almost daily. There isn't
a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I've
pushed it to the back of my mind for the last week or so,
but it bogarded it's way back into my conscience last
night. I've got to get myself together. I need to
strengthen my mental fortitude. I need to prepare myself.
It isn't about all the things I have to take on when he
leaves. I still do most of that even when he's home. It's
about losing my best friend. My companion. My lover. If
you've never experienced it, take a moment to imagine what
it would feel like to have the person you care about most
in the world taken away from you for months at a time. At
times I wonder if loving him is a catastrophic
vulnerability in my emotional armor, or if ultimately that
vulnerabilitiy is what makes me stronger. The concept of
love as a source of strength and/or a source of weakness
is an age-old quandary that I'm in now way intellectually
vibrant enough to unlock. I know I love him and I know I
always will. Whether that makes me weak or strong, I don't
know. But I think it's both... Ciao.




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