Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-12-15 10:19:02 (UTC)

Nursing Babies and Baking Banana Bread

After an almost two week break from my diary I think I
might be ready to resume writing. Part of me is a little
irritated with myself for not writing (even though I
didn't feel like it). I missed so many days! So many
things! Then part of me is glad I did it - took a break,
because it was really disconcerting to log in and feel
resentment and dread because it was time to write again.
When something you used to love starts feeling like a
chore, then why do it? Maybe it's time to move on or take
a break. I considered moving on; that idea didn't appeal
to me, so I took a break.

A huge part of why I haven't been keen on writing has to
do with privacy. I Googled Jennifer Interrupted (my
username) and my diary was the first search result that
popped up (try it. If I'm lying, I'm dying). I thought
only celebrities could Google themselves. I've been
referred to as an exhibitionist in the past (because I'm
so candidly honest when it comes to what I write) and
while I don't see ANYTHING wrong with that, I'm wondering
if FOR ME it's what I really want. I'm starting to not
feel the need to be so forthright with everyone. At least
not in such an open venue. For awhile I entertained the
idea of moving my diary to my myspace blog. That way I can
have better control over who gets to read it. As much as I
love my-diary.org that's one thing I don't like. The lack
of privacy options. It's either totally private or open to
the entire world. The vast majority of the people who
ready my diary don't have a myspace and I don't want to
lose some of the incredible people I've met (and grown to
love) through my-diary because a handful of people can't
seem to mature past the age of 13.

Then there's my other position. Catch me on the right day
and privacy is of no concern. Complex me, always enigmatic
and forever contradicting myself, also feels that maybe
I'm ready for a MORE public venue. Maybe I should start a
blog? One that makes money! How many times have I been
told "you should write a book" or "you could be
published"? Why not? I've got a story, a literary voice.
Somebody might pay to read something I wrote! At times I
feel like the proverbial big fish in a little pond. As
much as I love my life I can't help but wonder if I'm
destined to do great things and I'm only wasting my
infinite potential sitting around nursing babies and
baking banana bread. That's just like me. I got a good
thing going and instead of staying content, I'm searching
for more. Will I ever be totally satisfied with what I've
got? Will there come a day when I look at my life and
say "I've done everything I wanted"? I'm like that dying
lady in the Kohler commercial. Just when I think things
are perfect, BAM I see something else I need to
experience. I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing. It's
always been a part of my character. I'm the rolling stone
that gathers no moss. There's nothing wrong with striving
for better. The day I'm not searching for more or wanting
to improve myself and my life will probably be my dying
day and I'm not ready to die yet.

Weighing those options I've decided that this is where
I've been writing for the past 3 years and this is where
I'm going to stay. Don't expect me to be any less frank
than I've ever been before and don't count on me censoring
myself. I just have to accept that I am blunt, downright,
categorical, outspoken and sincere. For better or worse,
take it or leave it. I make no apologies. If you were
looking for a day-by-day recap of all the days I've
missed, screw that shit! I'd be here all night! I've had
great days and if there where any disruptions in my
happiness, I can't remember them now :)

Hold onto your panties, things are going to be a little
different from now on... Ciao.




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