Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-10-25 07:18:34 (UTC)

The Common Denominator

****

All my life food has been a source of comfort. When I was
sad, I ate. When I was happy, I ate. Every emotion in
between was a good excuse to binge on something. Through
good times and bad, food was always the common
denominator. Lately I've seen a shift in that paradigm.
Food has been demoted to much less of a focal role in my
life. That whole "eat to live" thing, instead of me
feeling the need to "live to eat". A lot of it has to do
with my mental health. For the first time in my life, I
don't feel oppressed. Not just depressed, but oppressed.
Most of my existence I've felt like a prisoner. A prisoner
to the secrets in my family's closet. A prisoner to my
mother's will. I was trapped in a life I didn't feel was
of my own making. Many children feel that way, but I
especially did. I had so much to hide at such a young age.
I think that's why I'm so open now. I harbored more
secrets in my first 18 years than most people harbor in a
lifetime. Now that I've come into my own (emotionally,
physically, mentally, in every way) I feel so much more
strength. I'm a force unto myself. I have the power to be
what I want and do as I please (within reason, of course).
I think I've finally overcome the demons that haunted me
for so long. My need to eat for emotional reasons is gone.
I'm in a good place and now I'm able to apply the healthy
lifestyle tools I've always known, but was never
emotionally capable of following.

When I step back and take a good look at myself and my
life, I'm amazed at who and what I've become in spite of
it all. I've grown so much this past year. Believing that
the past is the past and it does not dictate my future has
been the greatest gift I could ever give myself. I took
some pretty heinous detours, but I've learned from those
mistakes and eventually I got back on the right path and
even though I haven't reached my final destination (who
knows where that will be, where I'll develop from here)
I'm finally moving forward. I owe so much to the people
who love me and have stood by me through all of my
infirmities. Snookums, my babies, my dad, Gen. I don't
know what I'd do without them. I'm such a lucky girl :)

Tonight the girls and I had a little pizza party. I let
the girls pick their favorite toppings for their pizza and
I ordered a Spinach Alfredo pizza for myself. I remember
the days when I could do some damage to a pizza. Tonight,
I had two slices and the rest is safely tucked into the
fridge. A sign of my healthy eating habits in action :) I
let the girls eat in the living room (a real treat for
them) and we watched a few episodes of Spongebob and some
other cartoon I don't know the name of. It was so much
fun! There is nothing more relaxing than letting go and
laughing at Spongebob getting shocked by a giant jelly
fish! Friday nights used to be clubbing night. I'm so glad
I'm done with that phase. Hanging out with my girls over
pizza trumps getting drunk with strangers any day. Ciao.




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