Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-10-24 09:06:09 (UTC)

The Affirmations Of Strangers

****

I wish I hadn't waited so long to write tonight. I'm
starting to get one of those tired headaches. I hate
feeling tired, but after spending the day with the kids
and then going to work, it's to be expected... at 1:45am.

I had a bad mom moment today (one of those times when I
question if my parenting decision was a sound one). Annie
wasn't right this morning. When she woke up she said she
wasn't feeling well, but I figured she was just being
dramatic. So, I made her get dressed and go catch the bus.
10 minutes later she came running back into the house
bawling because the bus left her (she wasn't at the bus
stop, she was sitting on this big rock about 50 feet from
the bus stop). She was hot, she was emotional and she was
coughing. I decided to keep her home instead of driving
her to school. Not an hour later I was seriously
regretting that decision. Annie seemed fine and started
picking on her sister to the point where I just had to
send her to her room. I should have driven her to school.
Hindsight is 20/20. I'll never understand how those two
can love each other one minute and then be wrestling each
other to the ground over a granola bar a minute later.
Kids.

After a crazy day with the kids, I was really looking
forward to work tonight. I almost didn't get to go. When I
went to Amy's house to drop the kids off with her aunt,
nobody was there. I knocked on the door. I called.
Nothing. So, I had no choice but to call out. I was
PISSED. I didn't go through all the trouble of
interviewing people only to be left sitter-less 15 minutes
before a shift. My job may be part-time retail, but I take
it very seriously. If you're going to do anything, do it
well. I don't care if it's berry-picking. You should be
the best damn berry-picker there is if that's what you
want to do.

Tuesday I left my breast pump at work by mistake, so even
though I had to call out, I still had to stop by work to
pick it up (I need to do some pumping this weekend. The
supply is running low). On my way there, Kim (Amy's aunt)
called me and begged for my forgiveness. She'd forgotten
she said she'd babysit. Luckily for me Alicia hadn't found
anybody to take my shift yet, so instead of missing work
all together, I just ended up being 25 minutes late.
That's still unacceptable to me. I like Amy a lot. The
girls love her and Keenan does, too (I think). But, if I
can't depend on her, then I'll have to find someone I can
depend on. I'm paying her. She's at my mercy, not the
other way around! I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I
really do love having her as our sitter.

I had an epiphany today! I straightened my hair today for
work. Probably for the first time in at least 6 months. I
got so many compliments! Kind words are always nice. Who
doesn't like a compliment? The thing is, I realize now
that I don't need to be told I'm pretty like I used to.
There was a time when I craved the affirmations of
strangers. I needed to know I was pretty, funny, smart,
whatever. Now I know I'm all of that and then some. Not to
be conceited or anything. It's just so hard having low
self-esteem. At 26 years old, I'm FINALLY able to see that
I am worthy. I'm not less-than. I've got inner and outer
beauty. Say what you want to say about me, think what you
want to think about me, I'm an exceptional person and I
know it. That feels so good :) Ciao.




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