rainy

My heart in a knot
2008-10-17 23:15:31 (UTC)

introspective

So today at work was a really weird day... it seemed a lot
fuller then usual for some reason.

I realized today that people may actually want to talk to me...

I don't know how that sounds, but for the most part I ignore
people and I expect that they don't mind or care. But I
never thought that they may actually want to get to know me.

I know that sounds really sad but I assume when people met
me they think I'm uninteresting, and usually if I find
someone who I think it interesting I will approach them, but
I've never thought about the many people who have approached
me or their feelings when I kind of just smiled and that's
about it.

Truth is I've created this situation for myself and I need
to stop if I want to fix it. I guess the main thing is my
borderline personality getting in the way, I worry too much
about getting to know someone and liking them and them
leaving or being taken away in some way.

Like sean for instance.. he was there but then he was gone..
it was so devastating and hard to handle.

On another note.. I really need to talk to people more or
learn more about pop culture... Lately people have been
using a lot of slang with me and I don't really know what it
means... truth is most of what I watch is rated G or R..

There is no in between... what I mean is that it's either
really innocent or really not innocent. But I guess that's
how my mind works, it's either extremely child like or
extremely adult like. I can't find a balance between the two.

.. just like my black an white thinking... good or bad,
innocent or not. It's a difficult thing to deal with that's
why I say I wouldn't wish borderline personality on anyone.


This really inspires me to make a video about it.. my
thinking that is.. I want people to see how I see things. I
live on the two extremes.


well that's all folks ...




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