Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-10-02 06:04:36 (UTC)

Impending Doom

***

I feel weird. Not physically, I'm not sick. But,
emotionally. I don't feel right. I can't put my finger on
it. Nothing is wrong (that I'm consciously aware of). I
just feel really uneasy. Like something bad is about to
happen, but I can't imagine what. All day I've had this
overwhelming sense of impending doom. It's anxiety. Only,
I'm not sure what's causing it. I'm going to do my best to
shrug off these feelings, because they're totally
unfounded. Nothing bad has happened to me in awhile...
Which might mean I'm due...

I haven't eaten enough today, but I don't feel like eating
anything (due to the above mentioned anxiety). I even
ordered some really amazing take-out (Chinese) and it
still isn't appealing to me. I need to get my steely
disposition back. Weakness isn't becoming on me. Even
temporarily.

I bought myself clothes today. A pair of jeans and several
tops in jewel tones for the Fall. I didn't buy a lot
because I don't plan on being this size for long, but I
need to get out of these damn maternity pants and tops.
They're swimming on me and my baby is over 3 months old.
I'm worth a couple hundred dollars in new clothes. I also
ordered a Gazelle. It's a little home elliptical machine.
Not anywhere near gym-quality, but it'll do. It's small,
inexpensive and a better option than couch surfing or only
walking when the weather permits. I miss the body I worked
so hard for after Kiki was born. I'm getting it back and
I'm keeping it. It's going to require a total life-change
on Snookums part as well, but he needs to comply for the
sake of both of us and our children.

I'm so lonely. Not for human companionship. For Snookums
companionship. I miss him very much. I always miss him,
but I'm missing him more right now because I don't feel at
ease. Whenever I'm upset, Snookums always makes me feel
better. The world could be crashing down around me, but if
he's there, everything is alright. The house could be
burning down and he'd find a way to make it okay. He's
such an easy-going spirit.

Every night I say I'm going to bed early and I don't.
Tonight I think I really will. I'm exhausted and mentally
weary. I need sleep. Ciao.




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