Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-09-25 07:15:18 (UTC)

The Devil's Work

***

I don't even feel like writing. I just want to crawl into
bed and feel sorry for myself for about a week or a month
or two. Whatever. I won't, but that's how I'm feeling
right now. If I could define my mood in one word. It would
be pathetic. I feel pretty damn pathetic.

I didn't have a bad day. I got up this morning with
purpose and a plan. I can't let myself be idle. Idle hands
do the devil's work! What am I talking about. Idle hands
do no work in my universe. I have to stay busy so I don't
dwell on my loneliness. I need to get through this first
week of Snookums being gone and I'll be okay. It always
takes a week. That's my adjustment period.

Keenan has already changed and Snookums only left
yesterday. Today he reached out and grabbed his toys for
the first time. His bouncy seat has a toy bar across it.
At first he just looked at the animals. Then he started
swatting at them. Today he actually grabbed the giraffe
and stuffed it's head in his mouth. I wish Snookums could
have seen it. The second huge milestone was the sweetest
so far. He laughed! I was playing with him in my arms.
Making silly noises and faces, when it just came out. A
big belly laugh. It scared him so bad, be burst into
tears. I don't think he realized it came from his little
body. Snookums tried so hard to get him to laugh this past
weekend. I wish he would have done it for daddy. The
saddest thing for me is still yet to come. When Snookums
leaves for deployment in January, Keenan will only be 6
months old. When he comes home from deployment Keenan will
be about 14 months old. He might be walking and talking
and Snookums will have missed all that. I hate thinking
about it.

I did some cleaning around the house. That always occupies
a good chunk of my time. Especially with Kiki around. She
spends most of her day bringing toys up from the playroom.
I spend most of mine taking them back down. We need each
other. I have a ton of detail work to do. Corners to
clean, the baseboards need to be scrubbed, the carpet
could use a shampoo. I've got a list compiling itself in
my head every time I look around the house. It's funny,
when Snookums is home none of these little things matter.
I can look past them. When he's gone, they jump out at me
like neon lights. I have separation anxiety induced OCD.
I'm so messed up I'm creating my own disorders!

I can't remember if I mentioned yesterday that part of my
goal while Snookums is gone (for the rest of my life
ideally) is to get some form of exercise every day. Even
if it's just crunches or a few leg lifts. Something. Today
my exercise was a nice long walk behind our Cadillac-sized
tandem stroller. I needed to pick up Annie's prescription
and instead of taking the car, I decided to walk.
Actually, it was great. Getting up the hill was hard (I'm
out of shape in the worst way), but I made it and I feel
pretty good about myself for sticking with it, even though
I really wasn't feeling it at first.

I should go do the dishes. We're running out of forks.
Ciao.




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