Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-09-22 20:54:33 (UTC)

Guilt and Regret

I didn't write this weekend because I wanted to spend as
much time with Snookums as possible. Snookums is at work
right now, so I'm getting caught up. He leaves tomorrow
and it's harder on him this time around than any other
time before. Keenan is so young, Snookums is worried he
won't remember him when he gets back. It's harder on both
of us. I'll do my best to make sure Keenan is happy to see
him in November. I don't even want to think about it.
Being separated is so trying on all of us. Especially the
children. I'll be so glad when shore duty starts and we
don't have to be apart all the time.

Our days were devoted to family time. We threw the rules
to the wind and let the kids have fun. There was running
through the house, blanket forts in the living room, 500
games of Hungry Hungry Hippos and a lot of rough-housery
(I just made that up). One of the things I love about
Jason is his ability to get down to the childrens' level
(mentally). He spent a lot of time with them and even more
time talking to Keenan and taking care of him. Hopefully
to imprint himself into Keenan's very young memory.

Saturday night Snookums and I stayed up all night. We
didn't mean to, but we were enjoying each other's company
and having a great stream of communication. We fell asleep
a little after 5am. After Snookums alarm clock went off
and we realized it was so late (early by that point). We
got about 3 hours of sleep. The kids woke up around
8:30am. It was sleep deprivation for a good cause, because
we talked about things we've never really discussed. I
don't know if it was something he needed to do, but I know
it was what I needed.

Lately I've been experiencing emotions I'm not entirely
familiar with. Guilt and regret. My motto in life has
always been "no regrets". I believe that everything in
life happens for a reason and it's our job to learn from
those experiences. Good, bad or indifferent. They make us
who we are. I never wished something hadn't happened or
that I hadn't made a mistake. Mistakes are stepping stones
in the path of life. Take some away and you alter the
path. It's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it.
Unfortunately, lately I've been having different feelings
about a certain stepping stone in my life. I still don't
wish it had never happened (because I wouldn't have Keenan
or the happiness I'm experiencing now), but it would be
nice to just wipe the memory clean. To not have to think
about it. I'm talking about the affair.

It makes me sick. Physically ill. Nauseous to the point of
disgust to even think about it. There was nothing about
Ron that made what I did to Snookums worth it. The grass
isn't always greener, but sometimes you don't see that
until you get over the fence. I don't blame anyone for
what I did. I brought it on myself. I own up to my most
royal of fuck-ups. But, God I wish it would go away. This
is the first time Snookums is leaving since I had Keenan.
I'm not pregnant anymore and I know Snookums thinks of me
in a more sexual way than he did when I was pregnant. I
worry that he'll worry that it might happen again. Worry
breeds discontent and discontent can lead to suspicion.
Even if nothing is there. I don't know if I apologized
enough. I don't know if I made Snookums feel better about
the whole situation. I don't know because he never wanted
to talk about it. If I tried to bring it up, he'd change
the subject or walk away. Anything to avoid the topic. So,
I let it go.

Even though we didn't discuss it after it happened, I know
it changed us. Over the past year things have been
exponentially different in our marriage. For the good. I
feel bad about it (a little). I was the one that had the
affair, but Snookums is the one that made all the changes.
He started doing more around the house. Paid more
attention to me and the children. Started bettering
himself (taking college courses, going to leadership
classes -without being told to-, he's even reading more).
I had to make sure he knew that what happened was a one
time thing. Something he'd never have to live through
again.

So, Saturday night we finally talked about it. Well, I
talked, Snookums listened. There's no way I can detail
that conversation. It was long and private and exactly
what I needed to feel better. I asked him only one
question I really needed answered -why didn't you leave-
and he answered it in true Snookums fashion. "Because I
love you". The way he looked at me when he said it. The
sincerity I could see in his face. It was all I needed to
hear. Snookums is a simple man, but his simple answer had
so much meaning within it. It was so much more than the
words. It was our past, present and future. Our family and
our love, our history all rolled into these four little
words. I'm a woman of many words (duh. No surprise there),
but I couldn't express my love for him more wholeheartedly
in an all-night conversation than he did in one short
phrase. It wasn't the words that said so much. It was his
eyes. He didn't have to say anything. I could see it. I
know he loves me. Even after what I did. He still loves
me. Ciao.




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