Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-08-19 07:07:20 (UTC)

What's Stopping Me?

***

I wasn't going to write tonight, but Keenan is taking
longer than usual to wake up for his bedtime feeding. He
doesn't eat well if he isn't ready to eat. Everything is
on his terms. So I've got nothing better to do than to
complain about how shitty I feel.

I wasn't going to write because I don't see a point,
really. I'm feeling pretty uninspired. Kind of down in the
dumps. A little neglected. Maybe even a bit depressed. I
don't feel like I've got much to look forward to at the
moment. I just get to stand by and watch my children grow
up right before my eyes. Especially Keenan. Annie and
Kiki's growth as slowed down. They change a little every
week, but Keenan seems to be a different baby every time
he wakes up. It's not healthy putting your sole purpose
for living onto your children, but what else do I have to
live for? I'll hold onto them for as long as I can.

I miss Annie so much. I'm almost nauseated I miss her so
much. I don't even know how that works, but it's what I
feel. I know she's fine. I know she's having a great time.
She probably isn't even missing me right now and that's
great. But, I miss her terribly. This week can not end
soon enough.

My day wasn't so bad. It wasn't great, but it was okay.
Kiki, Keenan and I relaxed while Snookums was at work. The
weather wasn't nice at all, so even though I'd wanted to
go for a walk and take Kiki outside to play, that didn't
happen. It was windy, cold and raining off and on. I hate
being out in the rain, so we just sat around.

The CPS lady came. I didn't answer the door. Not because I
was trying to avoid her, but because Keenan was eating and
there isn't a person on this planet important enough for
me to interrupt Keenan's feeding. Barack Obama could be on
the other side and he'd have to wait. I knew it was her
because the only other people that ever ring my doorbell
are Annie's friends, but it was raining and I know she
told everyone that she was going to camp. The doorbell
rang twice, I heard the screen door open and close and
then an engine start. When Keenan was finished I opened
the door to see what she'd left behind and there was a
business card tucked into the screen door. It said she
needed to talk with me in regards to my daughter Penny and
to leave a message with my number. Since I don't have a
daughter named Penny, I won't be calling. She'd better
hope the next time she stops by I'm not feeding the baby
or gone. I have no desire to talk to her. I realize that
eventually (if I want her to go away) I'll have to. I just
don't feel like dealing with it right now. It makes me
angry. I'm tired of thinking about it and talking about
it. The bitch down the street moved last week. This should
never have gone as far as she took it and now I'm still
dealing with it long after she's gone. I feel sorry for
her new neighbors.

After Snookums got home, we ran a few errands and went
grocery shopping. I kept picking up things Annie likes,
even though I didn't really need to buy them right now.
I'm not happy about Annie being gone, if you couldn't
tell. I thought I'd enjoy the break of going back to two
children (just for a week), but it isn't working out that
way. Even grocery shopping was sad. Snookums isn't
acknowledging my feelings. He thinks I'm being too "mother
hen". Whatever that means. How do you let go of your
children?

My body is falling apart. I think I tore the cartilage in
my left knee playing tennis. Over the past few days fluid
has been pooling up in the back of my knee. It's swollen
and sore no matter how often I ice it or put the heating
pad to it. Now the swelling is traveling down my calf and
making the muscle burn when I move it. I'm walking with a
limp, which I try to hide. I don't want to look like I
just gave birth. Which reminds me that I'm still bleeding,
too. 9 weeks later. I'm a mess. My mind and body are
falling apart. I'm such a lost cause. It makes me want to
eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's. What's stopping me? Ciao.




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