Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Worried About Being Worried
***
I don't have much time to write. Keenan should be waking
up for his bedtime feeding soon. I'll have to make the
most of the time he'll give me.
If my life were Sesame Street, the word of the day would
be ANXIETY. I'm not an anxious person by nature, but for
some reason that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling just
won't go away. I get it all the time. Today It wouldn't go
away for nothing. It's like being on a roller coaster or
watching a scary movie, but nothing scary is going on.
Normal things are making me anxious and that worries me.
See, I'm worried about being worried!
Annie is at camp right now. We packed the family into the
car around 2:30pm and drove out into the middle of
nowhere. There's no way I'm disclosing where she's at
(that would be utterly stupid), but suffice it to say a
kidnapper would need GPS, satellite navigation and
detailed directions to find the place. It's been there
since 1905 without any cases of kidnapping, so I shouldn't
be anxious...But of course I am!
The place is amazing! I wish I could have stayed (believe
it or not even high maintenance me likes to camp). It's
right on the water, but also deep in the woods. They have
a pool, tennis courts, a lodge, boats and lovely little
cabins nestled in amongst the trees. Annie's cabin was one
of the smaller ones. There were 5 adorable log bunk beds
(Annie got a top bunk, she was very pleased about that), a
bathroom and a separate room for the 3 counselors that
will be in charge of making sure nothing happens to my
baby! As soon as we got her settled in her cabin, she
pretty much ignored us until it was time to go. I barely
got a kiss and hug out of her. She was just too excited.
They were getting into their bathing suits for the swim
test (each camper gets a color coded arm band, so all the
counselors know their swimming ability and how far they're
allowed to go out into the water. I don't even know if
Annie can swim. I never let her go out past her knees!
Maybe I should let her grow up a little)? Annie did a lot
of swimming last year when she was doing the MWR program,
so I'm sure she did well.
The drive home was so strange. Annie is a chatterbox. It's
nothing for her to throw out 5 questions before you can
answer one. Or she messes with Kiki and gets her riled up.
The little ones fell asleep before we could even get back
on the highway, so we rode home in silence. The house was
quiet, too. Lately Kiki and Annie have been getting on
each other's nerves, so the usual screaming (Annie) and
crying (Kiki) weren't present at all. Kiki sat on the
couch and looked at picture books. It was eerily quiet. I
didn't like it at all. One of the wonderful things about
having three kids is one of the very reasons people don't
have three kids. The noise. I appreciate 8pm (bedtime)
more when the house has had a little chaos.
I took a walk tonight. By myself. I'm hardly ever alone
with myself anymore and I've decided that I'm good
company :) While on my walk, I got a chance to do some
thinking. It was good thinking. Too much of the time I lie
to myself. About all sorts of things. I don't give myself
credit where credit is due or I'm ambivalent to my own
needs. Basically, I'm mean to myself. A lot of my issues
stem back to that fact. So, I made a promise to myself.
I'm going to be nicer. To me. You can't love others until
you learn to love yourself. Tough love doesn't count. Ciao.
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