Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-08-17 06:35:31 (UTC)

Sheer Agony

***

Today sucked. Not for any reason in particular. It just
sucked all around (and kind of still does). I had a rough
day yesterday and it spilled into today, as hard as I
tried for it not to, it still did.

Since Thursday night I've been a sack of anxiety filled
with more stress than I can even begin to describe. Most
of it has to do with that letter I got from the CPS
investigator. I read and re-read the letter a dozen times.
I stayed up until 4am mulling it over in my head. What I
should do. I decided not to call and set up an
appointment. I haven't done anything wrong and I REFUSE to
have my privacy violated because ONE bitter bitch got her
feelings hurt. No one person should have that kind of
power and I'm not giving it to her. I didn't call CPS when
my neighbor's 16 month old son was riding his tricycle in
the middle of the street at 9pm (different person, but I'm
using her as an example). If CPS wants to come into my
home and question my parenting, then they'd better get a
court order, because I'm not volunteering myself up for
scrutiny. I'm a good mother. I believe that and I won't be
made to feel otherwise. Their services are better used
helping the drug addicts and alcoholics that need help
parenting their children. As adamant as I feel about this
and as strongly as I feel that I'm right in my decision,
that doesn't mean I don't feel a great deal of stress
about it. The obsessive conformist in me doesn't want to
go against the grain and risk losing my children. Even if
I know that's very unlikely to happen.

My second cause of stress is Pala. My car. Something is
wrong I just know it. There haven't been any codes in the
message center or check engine lights, but she's not
sounding the same and I've managed to worry myself into a
frenzy about it. Her idle is much higher. Almost like
you're stepping on the gas a little, even though I'm not.
Then at times when she's cold, she'll miss a little (lurch
forward a bit, like something is slipping in the engine).
Only every once in awhile and only first thing in the
morning (when it's cold), but I've convinced myself that
my engine is about to fall out on the highway. I need to
get a tune-up, but Annie is leaving for a week of summer
camp tomorrow and we're a little strapped for spare cash
at the moment. I hate money. Life is always dictated by
how much or how little you have.

Last night Snookums and I went out on a date together for
the first time in about a year. Almost an entire year has
gone by since we've been out alone without at least one
child with us. I was NOT into it at all (at first). I've
left Keenan at home with Snookums a dozen times now and
I've been okay, but leaving him at home with a sitter was
sheer agony. We went to a fancy restaurant (the Cedar
Steakhouse in the Clearwater Casino) and all I could think
about while trying to figure out which fork to use was if
he was going to be okay. Did I leave enough milk? Did I
remember to show Amy where his diaper rash cream is? Will
she remember not to put his milk in the microwave? Then
(as if that wasn't enough) I had all my other worries
swimming through my head. The CPS issue, the car. I was
feeling so much anxiety, I was shaking. I wanted to cry.
Snookums wanted me to drink something to sooth my nerves,
but I didn't feel like spending $75 for a bottle of wine I
probably wouldn't like. I had a fabulous roasted salmon,
but I can't say I enjoyed it as much as I should have.

After dinner we went to see Pineapple Express. It had to
be the dumbest movie I've ever seen. I don't think I've
ever heard the f-bomb (f*ck) used more in a single movie
ever. I wasn't enjoying the movie much at first, either.
But, there were some hilarious parts between the constant
drug use, cussing and gratuitous violence. I laughed my
ass off! By the end I was feeling much better. They say
laughter is the best medicine. I don't know if that's
always the case, but I needed a good laugh and Pineapple
Express delivered. I probably wouldn't recommend it
(unless you really love marijuana), but it worked for me.

When we got home, everything was fine. First of all, we
got home (the car didn't break down)! The girls were
sleeping, Keenan was dozing in his bouncy seat and the
cats were there to greet us when we came in the door. The
house didn't burn down, the baby didn't starve and the
girls didn't tie Amy to a dining room chair. It was a
successful evening. I was SO glad to be home. Date night
is too stressful. I can live without it.

I kept myself and the girls hulled up in the house today
I'm in no state of mind to deal with anyone or anything.
Which is liable to happen if I let Annie outside or leave
the house myself. Snookums had duty today, so he wasn't
home. He would of had duty tomorrow, but he switched with
someone so he could be there when Annie heads off to camp.
This is her first year going to a residential camp and
she's beyond excited. You have no idea how expensive
summer camps are, but I always wanted to go and never got
the chance. I want my children to have a better life than
I had (every good parent does). This makes the CPS thing
all the more hurtful. It's so wrong. I don't deserve this.
I can't get it off my mind. I suppose I won't be able to
until they show up on my front porch or sufficient time
passes without them showing up. The letter didn't have my
street name on it. They'll have to do a little hunting to
find me. There has to be at least 3 other houses with the
same number as us in Jackson Park. I hope they have better
things to do that go house to house on a whim.

It's so hot. The heat doesn't usually bother me, but it is
right now. I smell like slightly turned breast milk and
sweat. Yuck. I'm going to take a shower and try to get
some sleep. Easier said than done for me. Ciao.




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