Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-07-21 08:34:28 (UTC)

Rock Bottom

*****

There's a saying about having to hit rock bottom before
you can come back up again. I'd hardly call the past few
weeks rock bottom, but they haven't been my finest hours.
Especially over the past week or so. I've felt a little
low to say the least. Distant and detached would be
accurate, as well. As far as having control over my life?
Not really. I could feel myself drifting off into the
abyss. That dark, unhappy place I crawled out of once
before. That place where I'm wearing Jason's clothes
because I've given up on my body. Spending all day in my
bedroom because I can't face the world. Anxious and upset
over the smallest things. I felt myself going there.
That's not what I want for myself or my family.

I have to thank Nicole for this grand epiphany. The crazy
bitch actually had me feeling a little down yesterday. I
had to block her from accessing my myspace page because
she kept sending me nasty messages. Then she started
sending me text messages on my cellphone. All she could
say was that I'm a fat bitch. What else can she say? She
doesn't know me. It got a little scary after awhile
though, because I wasn't sure she'd stop. In my heart and
my mind I know I haven't done anything wrong to her. I've
done nothing to make her believe that I want Ron back. In
fact, I've been trying to remember over the past few days
(as all this has been going on with her) what it was about
Ron that drew me to him in the first place. I simply can't
remember. What I do know is that the affair I had with him
was a mistake of monumental proportions. I regret nothing
in my life. Everything happens for a reason. It was a very
valuable life lesson. I believe in karma and as such, I
believe that everything is coming full circle and this
experience with Nicole is just another payment I have to
make for the bad karma I created when I cheated on my
husband.

Today I decided I'm ready to take back my body. Not
because of Nicole's comments, either. I was very proud of
myself for not taking her fat bitch comments personally.
There wasn't even a slight twinge of hurt. They rolled
right off me. Empty words with no weight (pardon the pun).
Instead, I felt sorry for her that her self-worth is so
strictly determined by her size and I remember when that
was how I was, too. Yes, I regressed terribly, gained back
a good chunk of the weight I worked so hard to lose, then
I got pregnant and couldn't really do anything about it.
But now I can. My goal is simple. I want to be healthy. I
want to be a normal body size. Not overweight. I never
felt better than when I was eating right and getting
exercise. Not when I was obsessing and eating next to
nothing, but when I was being realistic with myself and my
body. I'll never be a size 0 and I'm finally okay with
that. A 10 would be great though :)

Our house was empty and devoid of anything remotely
considered healthy. Aside from condiments and a few
partially empty cereal boxes, we really didn't have much
of anything in the house. Lately we've been eating out
like crazy. Mostly because I've been too lazy to cook. It
occurred to Snookums and I last night that we've eaten at
EVERY fast food restaurant in Kitsap County within the
last month. How pathetic is that? There aren't that many,
Kitsap county is small, but still. So, I went to the
Commissary and bought enough fruits, vegetables and lean
meats to last us about two weeks. I steered clear of the
aisle (because that's where the junk foods are) and
stocked up on good foods. When I got home I spent the
better part of three hours prepping vegetables, trimming
meat and then sealing everything up in Ziploc bags with
different marinades. My freezer looks like a Ziploc
library with meals clearly labeled and ready to cook. So,
I'll have no excuse for not cooking healthy meals. I'm a
little excited about it, too. Snookums (for once in his
life) wants to embark on this journey with me. He put on
more weight during my pregnancy than I did. No kidding.

I've also decided that I'm taking the whole potty training
thing out of Kiki's hands. Her pediatrician recommended
that we let her decide when she gets potty trained, but
that was three months ago and she still doesn't want to do
it. I bought the old fashioned Gerber training pants and a
potty for upstairs and we started working on it today. I
bought Keenan diapers, but I didn't buy Kiki any. If this
means I have to wash sheets every day, wash panties and
training pants every day until she gets it, then so be it.
I'm willing to do that for her. This is just ridiculous. I
firmly believe that Kiki knows what to do, she's just
messing with us. She's used the toilet before.

Keenan is asleep. Therefore, I should be too. Last night
he slept for 7 hours. I woke up slightly panicked and
didn't want to check on him (fear. Any mother would
understand), but I worked up the courage and he was fine.
I sure could use another night like last night. Ciao.




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