Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-07-18 23:40:05 (UTC)

Quiet Sobs

I was in a weird emotional state yesterday. I didn't write
last night because Snookums took over and made me go to
bed instead. This morning the repair guys came to fix my
washing machine, so I didn't get a chance to do it this
morning like I normally do if I miss writing the night
before. So, this is an in-between entry. Part of yesterday
and since it's almost 4pm (only a few hours earlier than I
normally write) part of today, too. Who cares? It's not
like anyone other than me cares if I write or not.

Yesterday when Snookums got home, I decided that it would
be a good idea if we got out and did something as a
family. At times I feel like the walls are closing in on
me and the mundane monotony of taking care of a newborn
gets to be too much. So, we packed up the kids and took a
little day trip to the Poulsbo Waterfront. When Snookums
and I first moved in together, we lived in Poulsbo and
some of my best memories were during that "honeymoon"
phase of our relationship.

Finding a parking spot in downtown Poulsbo is next to
impossible sometimes. I was just about ready to break into
tears or tell Snookums to take me home (or both), when we
FINALLY found one. Our first stop was my favorite little
bakery. We went to Sluy's and got the girls big cookies.
Snookums had his favorite cheese danish and I had a donut
shaped like a gingerbread man with chocolate ganache
buttons and eyes. I used to eat one of those things at
least once a week (which explains where all my extra
weight came from back then)! Keenan has this amazing
ability to wake up hungry whenever he smells food, so we
had to find a nice place to sit down so I could feed him.

In the far reaches of the park, at the end of the
boardwalk and a little winding path, is a small playground
in the woods. Snookums, Keenan and I found a shady spot in
the grass, under a tree while Annie and Kiki played on the
equipment. It was a lovely moment in my otherwise
emotional day. Keenan ate and instead of going right back
to sleep, he stayed away for a good half hour. I laid him
down on his blanket and he looked up into the trees and
made all sorts of happy noises. He was smiling and cooing
at Snookums and I. It was such a beautiful moment. It made
me feel a little better.

Later in the evening things just kind of fell apart for
me. Snookums started getting tired and cranky, Keenan
wanted to eat 100 times, our bedroom was too hot, I wanted
to eat something (but I didn't know what), I needed a
shower. Everything was wrong. Nothing majorly, just tiny
things that all added up to me breaking down. I started
crying. Quiet sobs. Snookums didn't even notice at first.
I had my back to him. I had just finished feeding Keenan
and I was about to put him down in the bassinet when the
urge to cry hit me and I went with it. Eventually he did
notice and tried to make me feel better. He took Keenan,
got him settled then we got in the shower. Snookums washed
my hair, scrubbed my back and massaged my sore neck (which
is still stiff. Why, I don't know). It was very sweet and
I did stop crying at that point. He's such a good man.

Snookums made me go to sleep after that. I think being
tired didn't help my situation any. I'm bad about getting
enough sleep. Thankfully Keenan was compliant and didn't
wake up until Snookums got up for work. I needed a night
off. Even if we can't count on Keenan to sleep through
every night, he seems to give us a break just when we
really need it.

I feel ridiculous at times. I've been on an emotional
teeter-totter for a couple weeks now. I don't see any
reason for me to be sad and most of the time I'm not.
Sadness hits me like a freak rainstorm. It comes out of
nowhere, showers down on me, then disperses just as
mysteriously as it came. Why can't I just be happy? Happy
unless there's a tangible reason not to be happy? Who
knows. That just isn't in the cards for me.

Today has been a quiet day. Other than the repair guys
coming, it's been a lazy day. Snookums came home from work
a little after 11am, the washer was finished around 12pm.
Now everyone is asleep (except for Annie, who isn't home
and me, of course). Keenan should be up to eat soon.

I think tonight I'll grill some steaks. Snookums loves
grilled food and I think that would make me happy, too. I
like using the grill now that I'm getting better at it.
Ciao.




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