Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-07-17 17:55:24 (UTC)

Much To My Chagrin

I feel down today :( I slept okay. Keenan was a very good
boy last night, but I'm still tired. Runned down is more
like it. It didn't help that it's overcast, gloomy and
cold this morning. I probably wouldn't have felt much
better if it had been sunny, but there's always a chance.

Annie had summer camp this morning, so I had to get up and
get dressed. This is kind of when my unhappiness started.
Or I noticed it. As I dragged myself out of bed, I
couldn't help but feel that my body is very sore. I
haven't been doing any intentional exercise (much to my
chagrin), so I don't understand why. My lower back hurts
so badly my heartbeat sends throbbing waves of pain up my
spine. My knees ache and crack when I try to stand or
navigate the stairs (I may be fat, but I'm 25 pounds
lighter than when I was pregnant and my knees weren't
bothering me then). All my joints, really are aching. My
neck is stiff, too. This is a new pain, so I'm assuming I
just slept on it wrong. I can't explain the pain. I had
generalized pain when I was going through my depression,
but I'm not feeling like I felt then. If I had to describe
my moods lately good adjectives might be ambivalent,
complacent, happy at times and maybe a little blue. But,
not psychotic, suicidal, tormented or deeply depressed
like before. I'm telling myself that those issues were
stemmed from situational depression (stemming from the
issues with my stepfather and finally letting myself feel
those emotions). There's nothing wrong in my life right
now. Other than the very fixable issue of my weight.

Speaking of my weight, that caused me a little distress
this morning, too. As much as I'm trying not to let myself
get caught up in that. I'm still wearing my maternity
pants (as much because I like them as I can't fit in
anything else yet). I'm okay with that. But, I'm not
willing to wear maternity tops and I only have a few
nursing tops (I've been rotating them over the past month
and I'm starting to tire of them). Which leaves me with
few options at the moment. My boobs are too big for any of
my pre-pregnancy shirts, but maternity tops look like
maternity tops and I don't want to wear them any more. I
must have tried on five or six different shirts before
finally throwing in the towel and taking the easy way out.
One of Snookums XXL Sean John shirts. It comes down to my
knees and I'm swimming in it, but I don't have to look at
my big boobs and flabby stomach, so it's working for the
moment. I'm not going to win any fashion awards, but my
nakedness is covered and isn't that the first priority of
clothes?

Then, to make matters worse, my washer broke. Yesterday
when I was doing laundry I noticed that the clothes
weren't coming out as dry as they usually do. Then this
morning when I tried to finish up the last load of whites,
it stopped in the middle of the wash cycle and blinked
E20. I checked the owner's manual and there's no table
telling me what error messages mean, so I had to look it
up online (FixYa.com is a pretty cool site if you ever
have something mechanical that breaks. Not just
appliances, but cell phones, computers. You name it).
Based on other people's comments it appears that something
is blocking the drainage pump. On my model the pump is
located in a trap door on the back of the machine and
since I can't move the behemoth, I called the repair
service to come and do if for me. I don't trust Snookums
to wash a load of laundry let alone mess with the washer's
working components. So, they're coming out tomorrow. I'm
just glad I got almost all of the laundry done before it
decided to clog up on me.

Snookums just called. He's on his way home. That makes me
a little happier, although I think writing was even more
of a help. I do have to admit, seeing his big goofy grin
makes it hard to be unhappy for long. I really do love
that man :) Ciao.




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