Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-07-04 19:19:44 (UTC)

Insecurity Is A Bitch

Today is the 4th of July, but we don't have any plans.
Why? Because it's too damn hard orchestrating a family
outing with a newborn. Just going to the grocery store was
a massive undertaking that didn't go so well. It's one
thing if you've got one kid, it's quite another when you
have a few. I feel really resentful about this. It isn't
the number of children that's the problem, it's the
inclusion of a newborn. Maybe once Keenan is a little
bigger we'll be able to do more fun things. Right now, I
don't have the energy to even bother. A large part of this
is my mood. I'm feeling down and I don't really want to do
anything. I'm rambling. I should just shut up.

Last night was the hardest night with Keenan so far. He's
really only had two bad nights and they weren't all that
bad. Just out of his character. They feel bad while you're
living through it, but in retrospect you realize it's
totally normal and if he were doing the same thing in the
middle of the day you probably wouldn't even notice. He
didn't sleep through the night, he woke up every two hours
to eat (like the average newborn). That's all. I don't
know how people do that day in and day out. He woke up
every two hours between 11pm and 6am, then he slept for 5
hours after that. Snookums started to get irritated, which
pissed me off, because there isn't really any need for him
to even get up if he isn't going to be in the right frame
of mind. I haven't asked him to wake up with me in the
middle of the night, but when Keenan cries he
automatically hops up, takes him out of the bassinet,
changes his diaper and brings him to me for feeding. I
appreciate that aspect of him getting up, but I don't like
it when he's a little short with Keenan or has an
attitude. Keenan can feel that and no matter how pissed
off you may be that you've been awakened for the millionth
time that night, you can't let the baby sense your anger.
Babies are like wild animals. They can sense that shit and
it just makes the situation that much worse. I just keep
reminding myself and Snookums that this stage is temporary
and very short in the grand scheme of things. We'll miss
these days when he's Kiki's age. He's my last baby and I'm
trying to be fully present through all of his ages.

Breastfeeding is hard. I don't care what anyone says. For
some, learning how to breastfeed is the hard part. For
some, being able to breastfeed long-term is the hard part.
For others, it's the loneliness of it. No one else can
feed the baby (unless you pump and use bottles or
supplement formula). For me, this time around, it's not
being in control of the feeding schedule. I love
schedules. I like to know how much Keenan is eating, how
often and I can't know that if it isn't in a bottle.
Yesterday we tried putting some of my breast milk in a
bottle so Snookums could feed the baby, but he just
screamed. Keenan refused to accept the bottle, which was
very disconcerting. When Keenan is cluster feeding, fussy
or eating really close together, I still worry it has
something to do with my milk supply. Rationally I know my
supply is fine, because he's going through diapers like
they grow on trees and I've yet to pump anything less than
3 ounces per breast even when he's just fed on that side.
Insecurity is a bitch. I wish I could get beyond it.
Keenan is eating enough. I don't know why he eats so close
together sometimes, he just needs to and I should accept
that without assuming I'm inadequate. I can see that he's
growing. He's chubbier, his clothes are fitting different,
he's awake more often and longer. I know he's growing, so
I need to let it go. So much easier said than done.

Since I have nothing fun planned for today I guess I'll
just do laundry or take a nap or something. Boring. Ciao.




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