Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-28 15:41:16 (UTC)

Staring Off Into Space

Despite my best intentions of wanting to go to bed at a
normal time, it didn't happen. I sat on the couch for a
few hours, stared off into space. Then I migrated to the
bedroom and did more of the same until the sun came up.
Between feedings I tried to sleep, but all I ended up
doing was staring off into space. Eventually, Kiki woke up
and I just gave up all together on sleeping. It's not a
good idea to leave a 3 year old unattended. Although she's
better behaved without Annie here, it still isn't worth
the risk.

Jason's ship pulls in tomorrow evening at 6pm. He won't be
getting off immediately, but hopefully soon after that.
Every moment until I see him again feels like it's
quadruple it's usual length. Time is standing still.
Whatever was fueling my euphoria immediately after
Keenan's birth has almost completely dissipated, leaving a
tired, worn out, empty shell of myself. I'm holding on to
the happiness I know Snookums' return will provide. I know
it will be temporary, but there is reassurance knowing I
won't be alone anymore. I'll have an adult to talk to.
Someone to help me with the children. With life's daily
responsibilities. It's hard when every aspect of life is
your responsibility. Every little thing from changing
batteries in smoke detectors to taking out the trash. All
the household, financial and child-rearing
responsibilities fall back on me. It's starting to take
it's toll. Probably because I'm letting it. I know
Snookums is close to coming home, so I'm giving up. I'm
losing my resolve to carry on. If this were a longer
cruise or a deployment, would I be feeling like this right
now? Maybe, but probably not to this extent. I'd handle it
better and I'd know that I had no choice but to carry on.
For the sake of the children.

I think I'm going to go shopping today. I don't really
want to bother getting dressed and getting Kiki and Keenan
ready to go, but I think shopping might make me feel a
little better. I want to do something in our bedroom.
Snookums appreciates a nicely made bed and we haven't
changed the comforter on our bed since we moved here 10
months ago. We had a catastrophic loss of bedding when we
left our old place. The storage area we kept our
comforters in had a leak or some kind of water intrusion
and they all mildewed. Even though we kept them in their
plastic bags, they aren't air tight bags and we lost them
all. Except the one that happened to be on the bed at the
time. So, it's time to buy us some new bedding. I hope I
find something I like. It'll make me feel better, I'm
sure. If only for a moment. Ciao.




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