Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-28 06:20:38 (UTC)

That Deep, Dark Place

****

Another day spent on the verge of tears. It's like I can
feel the happiness draining out of my body. I'm powerless
to stop it and I don't know how to counteract it. I can
only hope that at some point it tapers off. That instead
of floating on a cloud (like I had been for the past week
and a half), I'll settle into a more normal mood. No one
is happy all the time. I accept that, but I don't want to
spiral into that deep, dark place I fell into after Kiki
was born, either.

I spent the better part of the day in my room. In my
pajamas. In bed. I thought about taking the girls to the
lake. I thought about cutting the grass. Sweeping the
front walk. Weeding the garden. None of it happened. I had
the hardest time just dragging myself out of bed. I did,
though. I decided I needed to get up. Whatever I may be
feeling, or starting to feel, I can't just give up. So, I
got up, got dressed and attempted to go about normal
housewife activities. I threw in a load of laundry,
straightened up the living room, did some dishes.
Accomplishing something, no matter how small always makes
me feel better.

Annie spent her day running the neighborhood, hanging with
the posse of kids she's managed to wrangle together in the
week since school's let out. I hadn't realized there was
that many kids her age in the few streets adjacent to us.
Whenever she comes home to get a drink or use the
bathroom, she's followed by an entourage at all times.
Around 4pm she came home to inform me that she was
spending the night at one of the little girls' house. I've
met the little girls' mother and father and they seem like
nice people. I certainly appreciate them taking Annie off
my hands, if even for just a little while. Annie's a sweet
girl, I understand why she's so popular, I just have no
idea where she gets it from. I'm borderline anti-social
most of the time.

Kiki was devastated when Annie left. Annie came upstairs
pulling her little Barbie suitcase behind her and Kiki
melted. I felt bad for her. Kiki is just starting to think
of herself as a big girl, so she doesn't really understand
why Annie doesn't want to hang out with her. To take her
mind off of it (and to do something good for myself as
well), I took the little ones for a walk in my new
Cadillac of strollers.

It's funny. Walking around the house is easy, but pushing
that stroller with 60 pounds of children in it (on any
ground other than a perfectly level and smooth mall floor)
was not an easy task. Pretty soon after getting a little
ways down the street I became aware of my stitches again
and I started having that uterus falling out feeling (like
I did the last time I tried to go for a walk). I guess
there's a reason why I'm not supposed to exercise or
overexert myself until six weeks postpartum, but I forget
sometimes. I was damn near limping when I got home. Keenan
was ready to eat, so I was forced to sit down and rest.
That's the great thing about having a newborn. Built in
rest periods.

Tonight I'm going to attempt to get to bed before 4am.
Every night I say that, but it doesn't happen. Keenan has
been passed out cold since 9pm. He'll somewhat wake up to
eat, but he doesn't really fully wake up and will fall
right back into a deep sleep immediately after. He's so
laid back, never fussy, I can't blame my not-sleeping on
him. I need Snookums here to help me get into a healthier
routine. This particular cruise has been especially hard
for me. I did have a baby, after all. I'll never forgive
the Navy for making Snookums miss out on that, but it's in
the past now. What can you do? Ciao.




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