Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-23 06:53:39 (UTC)

A Foreign Concept

*****

When I got up this morning I thought I wanted to get out
and do something, but at some point I decided against it
and opted for a day in instead. I settled myself down on
the couch and drifted off in my mind, looking out over
Oyster Bay, watching seagulls fly by when I realized that
I had a big, stupid grin on my face. At first I felt
silly, then I was amused. I'm not always the happiest
person. I usually have to try pretty hard to maintain a
pleasant mood, but then it occurred to me that this past
week it's been so effortless being happy. Don't get me
wrong, I'll have moments of frustration, anger,
irritation, what-have-you. But for the most part, I'm very
happy. Happier than I've been in many months. Maybe even
more than a year. Things feel like they're falling into
place and I have infinite possibilities ahead of me. I
have hope! Oh my goodness! Hope! Such a foreign concept to
me.

Keenan is one week old today. It feels like this past week
was both long and short. Last Sunday seems like an
eternity ago, yet I'm still learning and discovering new
things about my son every day. I don't know if I'm just
realizing them or if he's developing his personality a
little more each day. It's probably a combination of both.
He doesn't like to be swaddled and he prefers to be
propped up as opposed to laying flat. He likes it if you
rub his head and he's just now starting to let me change
his diaper without screaming. He likes to nurse on the
left side more than the right, but won't complain if he's
given the right breast. It just takes him a little longer
to finish. He's such a great little person. I think it's
so amazing seeing the difference in personality from child
to child. Each of my babies are so different from one
another. Even Kiki and Keenan. They look so much alike,
but they're like night and day when it comes to
disposition.

While I was doing the dishes tonight (because I do some of
my best thinking while doing chores) it occurred to me
that I'm perfectly okay with not having any more children.
Jason and I decided that three is enough. Even if Keenan
had been a girl, three would have been it. After Kiki was
born I knew pretty soon after we brought her home that I
wanted another baby at some point. Nothing against her, of
course. I just felt like something was missing. It wasn't
even discussed, although I knew good and well Jason wanted
a boy. Now, I don't feel that way. I feel like our family
is complete. There aren't any missing people. No holes in
the fabric of our family. 40 years from now I want to be
in my own house (on a nice piece of land, hopefully),
making Thanksgiving dinner for my husband, these three
children and whatever children they may bring into the
family. That would be the best sunset to my life. Not that
I plan on dying at 65, but lets face it, no one is
promised tomorrow and at 65, there probably aren't too
many left in your future anyway.

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday. I think I'll go out and buy
myself a new vacuum cleaner. That may sound sad, but I
really do need a vacuum cleaner. Ciao :)




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