Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Pain To Be Reckoned With
*****
Each day brings new joy and happiness. That may sound
sappy (especially coming from cynical me), but life feels
so much more positive now. Every day holds new meaning.
Not that my life didn't have meaning before. I was just
too preoccupied to appreciate it. I just had a baby, I'm
allowed to be sappy for awhile! It should be a nice change
of pace after the last nine months of bitching I've been
doing!
At the moment, life is revolving around my breasts. My
milk came in last night and the engorgement is a pain to
be reckoned with. I don't even want to know what size I am
at the moment. The nursing bra I'm wearing today is a 36E,
but the cups runneth over, if you know what I mean. I'm
going to have to get some more nursing bras. I didn't buy
too many before hand just for this reason. I didn't know
what size I should get or if Keenan would even take to
breastfeeding. Kiki didn't and I ended up pumping, which
doesn't require the easy access a nursing bra provides.
"The girls" are feeling better than they did when I woke
up this morning. Keenan and I embarked upon a marathon
nursing day today. It's been trying, nursing every 90
minutes to two hours, but it has certainly helped. At
least now the throbbing has subsided. The downside,
however were the 5000 explosive poopy diapers Keenan
produced. He went through 5 changes of clothes and I don't
know how many diapers. It had to have been in the double
digits. At 3 days old, he produced his first load of dirty
laundry. Most of it poopy-covered!
Keenan and I had our postpartum care appointment this
afternoon. Everything went really well. He hasn't lost any
weight, his color is good (no jaundice, although she did
comment on how white he is :) He takes after his dad),
he's nursing well, pooping and wetting enough. Everything
checked out great. He also has a tongue tie, but it
doesn't seem to be affecting him like it has his big
sister. The lactation consultant checked my vital signs
and felt my uterus to make sure it was going down. She
felt my breasts to check my engorgement and showed me some
massage techniques I can use to help drain the milk ducts
(which I'll try in the shower tonight). I was really
pleased. Everything seemed to go wrong for Kiki, but
Keenan is doing so well. I'm tempted to knock on every
piece of wood I come across just in the hopes that nothing
changes.
Even though I'm glad to not be pregnant anymore,
postpartum recovery is no walk on the beach. At least not
for me. I've got a 2nd degree mid-line perineal tear that
reminds me of it's presence every time I side down or get
up to walk. I'm experiencing some incontinence, which
could be embarrassing if it happened outside of the house.
Tonight, I had to pee, but Keenan was ready to eat, so I
put his needs above my own. When he was finished and I got
up to go to the bathroom, my bladder muscles gave out and
I ended up wetting myself. Luckily on the bathroom floor,
but there's really nothing more demeaning than to have to
stand there and pee on yourself because you have NO
control over your bladder. This will go away with time I
know, but it's not fun :( So, my boobs hurt, my girl parts
are swollen and throbbing and I pee on myself! It's so
much fun being a woman!
A couple times today I had some episodes of psychosis. I
can't say I'm at all surprised, but I was hoping I
wouldn't have to deal with this. At least not yet. The
first episode happened while I was sitting in bed feeding
Keenan. I was staring off into space and had a kind of
daydream type moment. I envisioned myself walking into the
carport, tripping and dropping Keenan on the ground head
first. I had the same delusion with Kiki, which kept me
from carrying her outside for almost 6 months. Jason or
Annie had to do it for me because I was so paranoid I'd
hurt her. The second episode occurred while I was napping
on the couch. Kiki was sleeping on the little couch,
Keenan was in his swing, so I took the opportunity to nap
myself. I woke up in terror because I had a dream that my
step-father had come back and was trying to rape me like
he did after I had Annie. I had a severe perineal tear
after I had her (much like the tear I have now) and a week
after she was born my step-father tried to resume sex with
me again. It was at that moment that my fight or flight
instinct kicked in and I told him if he touched me I'd
scream. It was like reliving that moment again, only here
and now. At 25 years old, in my own home, with no one here
to hear me scream. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get
past that point in my life? I try not to let it define me,
but it sure does affect me.
I need to go to sleep. I'm not getting enough sleep and I
can't blame it on Keenan. Sleeping, eating and pooping are
all he does right now. I'm bad about not sleeping when he
does, which is the cardinal rule of newborns. I think I'll
take a shower and go to bed. He just ate, so I'll have
time to shower before he's ready to eat again, then I can
empty my right breast, because it's reminding me that it's
up next on the feeding schedule. Ciao.
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