Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-14 05:24:54 (UTC)

A Plethora of Negativity

***

I was tempted to write as soon as I got home from my
appointment this afternoon, but I didn't. It's a good
thing too, because it would have only been filled with
bitter thoughts and a plethora of negativity. I have
enough entries like that as it is. If I can work through
my issues and come to a more peaceful state of being on my
own, then that shows personal growth. I need as much
personal growth as I can get.

Dr. Ennis called me a little before 11am this morning
(just as Kiki and I were getting in the car) and asked me
to come in an hour early for antepartum testing (12:30pm
instead of 1:30pm). No problem. I called Selena and she
was able to come an hour earlier to stay with Kiki. In the
back of my mind I kind of questioned the need for more
fetal monitoring. I just had a 30 minute non-stress test
and a biophysical profile at Labor and Delivery on Monday
and everything was fine. The test is good for one week.
Whatever. I guess better safe then sorry.

At that point, Kiki and I went from having two hours to
get our errands done, to only one. But, I was still
determined to get them done. Just in case. So, we stopped
in Ross and I did a little speed shopping. $100 in 20
minutes! Not a personal best, but still pretty impressive.
I came out with four pairs of new pajamas, a 400 thread
count 100% cotton sheet set in mink (a darkish tan/taupe
color) and a burgundy throw for the end of my bed. I was
going to get some coordinating throw pillows, but I
thought better of it because they had really tempting
fringe around the edges and Zoe has been so good lately. I
don't want to throw gasoline on the fire. I'm going to
have to take one pair of pajamas back, though. The hard
tag (security sensor) left a huge hole in the back. It's
way beyond sew-able.

I put $50 worth of gas in the car (the most I've ever
spent for gas at one time) and I bought myself a huge
bouquet of flowers. Stargazer lilies (my favorite) with a
sprinkling of red roses, smaller white oriental lilies and
baby's breath. It's really pretty and lilies are hearty so
I'll get to enjoy it for awhile. I also got money out of
the ATM to pay Selena and to cover Annie's lunch money for
her last few days of school. Errands: done.

I got on the highway three cars behind Selena, but I used
my superior knowledge of Jackson Park to beat her back to
the house. I didn't want her getting here before me and
wondering where I was. I gave her a few quick instructions
for Kiki (which weren't much. Kiki's the easy child), then
I headed to Naval Hospital for the emotional roller
coaster that would be my appointments.

Induction in and of itself is risky. If your body chooses
to reject the efforts of the Pitocin, you're probably in
for a c-section. I accept that, but when you're heading
into two weeks overdue and your baby is guesstimated to be
11 pounds, you start becoming more willing to take those
risks. There has to be a reason, though. High blood
pressure, fetal distress. Something. Of course, for the
first time in Keenan's short existence he did everything
right. His heart rate was perfect, his accelerations were
perfect, my fluid levels were perfect (AFI, 13), blood
pressure perfect (98/75). Everything was...perfect.
Textbook. For the first time EVER. There was no way they
were signing off on an induction today. I thought I was
okay with that, but while I was waiting for Dr. Ennis to
come in I just broke into tears. It's like everything just
hit me all at once. I listened to Kathy talk about woman 3
and 4 weeks behind me being admitted because they were
contracting or their fluid was low, or baby didn't pass
the non-stress test. Yet here I am 41 weeks and some days
overdue and still no sign of an end. It was all too much
and it overtook me.

Dr. Ennis came into the exam room happy as usual, until he
noticed I was bawling. Then he got all sympathetic on me,
which made me cry even more. I'm so tired and overwhelmed.
Seeing other women lucky enough to NOT be pregnant anymore
was just too much. I explained this so he wouldn't think I
was crazy. To make a long story short, he checked my
cervix (no progress), he swept my membranes (for the third
time. It didn't even hurt, which just shows how
ineffective that intervention is) and listened to Keenan's
heart (strong and perfect at 156). If I don't go into
labor on my own tonight or tomorrow, I come in Sunday
morning at 8am for induction. He's pretty sure Keenan's 11
pounds. I'm still holding out hope he's not, but I'm no
expert.

I was very unhappy when I got home. I put on a happy face
and filled Selena in (so she could take her inside
information back with her to work. Everyone at VS wants to
know why I haven't delivered yet). But once she was gone I
let my true feelings out. Kiki is a smart girl and thought
better of messing with mommy, so she quietly laid down on
the couch and took a nap. I went to my room to do the
same. After my nap I felt better and decided there really
wasn't anything I could do but accept my fate. This is how
things are going to go. What choice or power do I have to
change it? I came up with a good idea while accepting this
reality!

Tomorrow is the last day I'll be the mommy of two little
girls. Come Sunday our family changes forever. So, I think
I want to do something special for my girls. I have an
idea, but nothing concrete. I'll give it more thought
tonight. Nothing to extravagant. Just something I think
the girls will enjoy.

I decided not to put the new sheets on my bed just yet.
They're light colored and I'm about to give birth. Blood.
Burgundy sheets will fair much better than a light brown
in the event that I have an accident. I think I'll wait
until right before Snookums gets home. That will give me
time to heal, although I'll still be bleeding when he gets
home. So sad for him :) I bled pretty good after both
Annie and Kiki, so I don't expect anything different this
time. Having a baby is brutal. I did put my sheets in the
wash with copious amounts of Downy Spring Renewal. I want
them to be fresh and crisp when I get home from the
hospital. Nothing is more comforting than clean sheets.

That's all for today. After I get my bed put back
together, I'm going to take a nice hot bath, put on a pair
of my new jammies and crawl into my clean bed. I can't
wait. Ciao for now.




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