Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-11 08:35:22 (UTC)

The Tormentors Inside Of Me

**

Yet another day has passed and still no baby. I'm starting
to get this nagging feeling that something is wrong. Is
this my body's way of saying "there's no way this child
will fit through your pelvis". No, he couldn't possibly be
that big. I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, right?
3rd trimester weight estimates are notoriously unreliable.
3rd babies aren't supposed to be late like this. When does
this ever happen? Annie was 6 days late. Keenan is now 6
days late. I'm so fucking sick of this shit, I could swear!

I rested today. My contractions picked up in frequency and
intensity, but not to the point of being active labor.
Just enough to fucking piss me off even more. Like I
needed help. I sequestered myself to my bedroom, because
quite honestly I'm not fit for company. I'm a bitch
through and through. I don't want to talk to anyone. I
don't want to do anything with anyone. I don't want to
leave the house, because inevitably someone will bring up
that I haven't had the baby yet and just bringing up the
whole baby subject makes me want to scratch a baby seal's
eyes out. Why a baby seal? It was the first cute animal to
come to mind. I hate everyone and everything. I'm glad
this is my last baby, because now I hate babies. For
Keenan's sake, he'd better be cute so this feeling goes
away. Otherwise, he's going up for adoption (that's the
hormones talking).

I decided I should come out of my room at some point
today, so I picked 4pm. Annie had just gotten home from
school and Kiki was up from her nap. Helena was wise
enough not to bother me or question why I never came out
of my room all day. Smart woman. She suggested we take the
girls to McDonald's for dinner, then outside to play.
Whatever. I went along with it. After the girls gobbled
down their much-beloved Happy Meals, we headed out to the
park. On the way there my neighbor tried to talk to
me "still no baby, huh?" I totally ignored him (for his
own safety and so I wouldn't end up in prison for picking
up his SUV and hitting him in the face with it). Helena
said hi to him and I pretended that he'd never been born.
Why the fuck would he think I wanted to talk with him
about it? I don't even want to discuss the weather with
him, let alone whatever is going on with my uterus.
Fucking dumbass. The girls had a nice time playing and it
took my mind off of my disgruntledness to watch them laugh
and play carefree. God, I'd kill for just one day of
unbridled joy. It must be nice to be a kid with a happy
life. I wouldn't know, but I'm sure it must be nice.

We got home a little after 7pm and the girls were in the
process of getting ready for bed when my new phone rang
(I'm still startled by it every time. It's really loud).
It was a 475 number, which I recognized instantly as a
Naval Hospital number. So, I answered it. Dr. Ennis was on
the other end, which was surprising. I hadn't expected to
hear back from him. Usually you have to call them a
hundred times before they get back with you. He asked me
how I was doing and all that. He was surprised they hadn't
kept me on Friday when he'd sent me up for monitoring. At
40 weeks the risks of induction are lower than keeping a
double digit sized baby in utero. Or so he said. I
wouldn't know. Either way, that didn't happen, so the new
game plan is set. If I still haven't delivered by Friday,
I'll go in for a check-up at 1:30pm. At that point he'll
check the induction schedule to see when he'd be able to
fit me in. No later than the 16th of June. 11 days
overdue. I seriously hope it doesn't come to that. At
least it's a plan. In the meantime I have to figure out
what will happen with the girls.

I felt so at ease having Helena here. She got to know the
girls' schedules and she tried so hard to make them happy
(which she did). What will happen with the girls now that
Helena is leaving? She has to fly home on Thursday because
of her cats and her non-refundable plane ticket.
Apparently she couldn't get it changed without losing a
TON of money and there have been brutal windstorms in
Michigan, so her 6 cats have been left alone in 90 degree
weather with no A/C since Saturday (the lady that feeds
her cats called and left her a message). So, she has to go
home and I understand that, but what do I do now? I've got
no plan. No one I can really depend on if things go south.
What happens to the girls if I have a c-section and am in
the hospital for 4 days (the standard c-section stay at
Naval Hospital)? What if Keenan is sick like Kiki was? I'm
hoping Gen or Selena will be available to be with the
girls for a couple of days in the event that all is
normal, but it's the abnormal I can't plan for. Also,
Naval Hospital won't let me drive myself home when I'm
discharged, so Dr. Ennis is trying to get the number for
the Stennis ombudsmen (aka, meddling wife of an
upperclassman) to see if someone will bring me home from
the hospital. I just want to scream!!!! Why is it nothing
is going right? Why can't I just have ONE thing go right
in my life? I can't even have a fucking baby without some
sort of catastrophe happening in conjunction. This is
quickly turning into the worst time of my life and it
hasn't even happened yet! How am I supposed to have a
baby, recover and take care of him when I'm wondering who
will take care of my girls? I'm back at square one. I
thought having Helena come would fix all this. Who would
have thought the baby would be so late?

I was hoping my depression (and other associated psychosis)
wouldn't come back, but it's obvious that was wishful
thinking, because I haven't even had the baby yet and I'm
already spiraling. I cry everyday. Whenever I have a
moment alone. In the shower, in bed, late at night, when
I'm alone in the car. The only comfort I've ever had in my
life was my ability to take care of myself, my family and
my responsibilities. I don't have that right now, so I
feel vulnerable. I just want this all to be over. Every
day I wake up still pregnant feels like a day is taken off
my life. Not because of the physical discomforts. I'm
beyond that. I just can't take much more mentally. The
fear that something is wrong with Keenan. Wondering how
I'll be after the delivery (will I be injured like with
Kiki)? Not having the childcare I'll need. Not having my
husband here when I need him most. I'll never need him
more than I need him now, yet he's so far away. Fear of
the unknown will eat you alive. It's eating at me a little
more each day. I'm starting to hear the voices again and
have...thoughts. Not necessarily good ones, either. it's
too much for one person. Especially one that's broken. I
don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't deal with it
right now.

I guess I'll go to bed. So I can wake up another morning
still pregnant. So the tormentors inside of me can
subtract another day from my life. Ciao.




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