Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-06-10 06:53:01 (UTC)

Harboring Resentment

***

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to harbor resentment
towards Keenan. It sounds bad. Harboring resentment
towards an innocent, unborn child. What can I say? I'm a
sick person. I'm quickly coming up on a week overdue. How
am I supposed to feel? Half way through my pregnancy I was
put on modified bed rest, restricted to limited activity,
advised to quit my job and stay off my feet so this child
wouldn't be born preterm and here I am, over due. Waiting
for him to come. My help and child care forced by
circumstances in her own life to leave in two FUCKING
days, which means even if I have him tomorrow, I'll have
no time to recover. Sometimes I feel like if there is a
god, he's a sick bastard that gets his jollies by screwing
around with my life. I'm tired, frustrated and ready to
hurt somebody. Probably the next person who asks me if
I've had the baby yet. Today, when I got out of the car,
all of my neighbors were trying their damnedest to see
inside my jacket (one of Snookums XXL fleece hoodies). I
refuse to talk to them. I pretended they all weren't
standing outside like morons, staring at me. What the hell
were they all doing outside, anyway? It was raining.
Yesterday, one of my neighbors tried to weasel information
out of Annie. How low can you get?

I was summoned back to Labor and Delivery today for more
fetal monitoring. Yippee. Same old shit. Keenan did just
fine. Which would have been reassuring if I'd actually
thought something was wrong. The only thing wrong is that
he refuses to come out! I'm 3cm dilated, 75% effaced,
having strong contractions (by strong, they mean
productive, cervix-changeable contractions) every 8-10
minutes, but it's not active labor. I'm not in any kind of
pain (which could be my naturally high threshold for pain)
and not ready to be admitted. Being admitted was not in my
plans when I went in today, anyway (unless it was because
I was ready to give birth). It could still be days before
the real thing starts. That's the infuriatingly
frustrating part of it all. No one knows when I'll go into
real labor. It could be in an hour or a week. I want to
cry. Mainly because it's not happening naturally and if it
goes on much longer I'm going to be forced into
interventions. Yesterday I was starting to resign myself
to an induction. Today I'm back to being adamantly against
it. My resolve is wavering. It doesn't matter what I want,
anyway. Whatever will be, will be.

Snookums called me again today. It's irritating to know
it's him on the phone, but I can't hear him because of
jets taking off and the connection is bad. I want to share
my feelings with him. I want to have him comfort me and
tell me everything is going to be okay. I can't get that
from an e-mail. If I'm lucky enough to get one. He rarely
has time to e-mail me lately and when he does, it's a
sentence or two about how tired he is and when he has
watch next. I wish I could talk to somebody. Helena isn't
the same. Gen has a life. I want to cry deep sobs and feel
sorry for myself. I feel very depressed and alone. Even
when I have people around me. Whatever am I going to do?
Anti-depressants, here I come...

I'm debating over whether or not I want a cheeseburger.
Maybe some french fries. I'm feeling pretty sorry for
myself. I had a bowl of soup and a peanut butter sandwich
today. I'm way under my caloric intake and I've lost the
weight I gained when my blood pressure spiked a couple
weeks ago. I guess if I'm forced to be pregnant, I should
allow myself to indulge a little. Yeah. Jack in the Box,
here I come. Ciao.

**40 freaking minutes later, I've finally got my
cheeseburger and french fries! Who the hell would have
thought there'd be a 15 car pile-up in the Jack in the Box
drive thru at midnight?**




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