Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-05-23 07:22:13 (UTC)

I Didn't Buy Myself Flowers

****

I'm so tired. I feel like I'm going to break down at any
moment. It's totally hormonal. I have no reason to want to
cry (I had a great day, in fact), but the urge is strong.
I've reached my limit. Mentally, physically. I'm ready to
not be pregnant anymore. I'm ready to move on to the next
phase of my life (whatever that may be). I'm done.

When I woke up this morning, I had definite ideas about
what I wanted to do today and for the most part I
accomplished my goals. I didn't buy myself flowers. I
realized this as I was coming back up the stairs from
putting the girls to bed. The one thing I wanted to do for
myself today and I never got around to it (writing that
makes me want to cry even more. Why? I don't get it). The
bouquet I bought myself the day before Mother's Day is
starting to wilt and the lilies are starting to drop their
petals. I deserve a $14.99 bouquet of flowers, don't I?
How could I forget about me?

The answer to that question is simple. Today was Annie's
9th birthday and I wanted to make it special for her. Her
dad has missed her birthday the past 3 years in a row. He
was here for Kiki's birthday this year and this made it
even harder for Annie. She may be stoic most of the time,
but Annie has a soft side that can't be ignored. I went
out and bought her a few nice gifts, I baked her a cake
and I took her to get her hair cut. Something she's been
wanting for awhile. Then she got the special birthday song
sung to her at Red Robin.

Annie has had her hair cut a total of 3 times in her life.
The first time she got it cut was at the age of 6. She
decided to donate it to Locks of Love, which I thought was
an amazingly generous move on her part. She had a trim
last year, then today she had 13 inches cut off, which
we're going to donate to Locks of Love again. This time,
Annie's hair is incredibly short. I thought it would be a
bit of a culture shock for her, but she's taken the change
in stride and has embraced it. Tonight before she went to
bed, she hugged me and said "Momma, I love my hair". That
made me happy, because while it was being cut, she didn't
look all that enthused about it. I don't want to cause her
any more pain than she may be experiencing right now for
other reasons.

I missed the UPS man today and while I'm a little
perturbed about it (because I got home around 12:30pm and
he'd already come), I'm willing to let it go. Because of
Snookums. He called me today and I was complaining about
having to wait all week for the UPS man, only for him to
come the ONE day I had to go out. In his childish sort of
way he jokingly said "it almost sounds like you've got a
thing going on with the UPS guy". He may have been joking,
but based on my past performance, I think there was a
grain of doubt in that statement. I don't think he'll ever
be able to leave without wondering if I'm up to something.
Sometimes I'll think back to the day I told him I cheated
on him. The shock, disbelief and pain I saw in his face
was something I never want to elicit again. No one has the
right to hurt another person like that. Snookums isn't
perfect (who is?), but he loves me more than anyone else
on this planet. I don't regret my relationship with Ron. I
learned some valuable lessons. Will I do it again? No.
Those lessons have been learned. Repeating the past is
futile when you already know what the outcome will be.
Snookums and I will be 80 years old together, sitting in
our wicker rocking chairs on our wrap-around porch,
watching our great-grandchildren play in the front yard.
The UPS man has enriched my marriage and he doesn't even
know it! Maybe I'll let him know when he drops off that
damn bouncy chair tomorrow :)

I know there were other things I wanted to say, but I'm so
delirious with exhaustion, I can't remember. If they come
back to mind, I'll share tomorrow. Maybe. Ciao.




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