Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-05-13 20:44:15 (UTC)

Motherhood Can Be Unpleasant

I'm kind of in a funk today. It's cloudy and dreary
outside and I'm not feeling like doing much. Even though
there's plenty for me to do. All the bags of baby stuff I
bought yesterday have congregated in my kitchen and now
it's cluttered in there. The living room needs to be
picked up. The laundry needs to be done. I could go on,
but I won't. It's needless to say there's always something
that needs to be done.

I need to go grocery shopping again. I don't want to.
Especially not in the rain. Kiki had saltine crackers and
yogurt for breakfast. She'll want a corn dog, carrot
sticks and mixed fruit for lunch. That's what she almost
always wants, which may be fine for her, but doesn't
really appeal to me. Nothing does, I've lost my appetite.
Food doesn't become a priority until my hunger pangs
become annoying. Which they will some time around 5pm.
I'll deal with them then.

Last night, I was watching ABC News and they did a segment
on a woman named Heather Armstrong. She writes a blog
called Dooce.com. She's a "mommy blogger". A stay-at-home
mom that writes about her daily life on her website. She
takes it to a whole other level than I do. I just write a
diary. She's devoted a whole website to her life and times
as a mother and wife. I don't think I want to do that. The
plus side (for her) is that the advertisements she hosts
on her blog bring in about $40,000 a month. I wouldn't
mind a little chunk of that. She gets tons of negative
comments about how she's exploiting her family for money
and putting her family in danger. I don't know about all
that. I think she's doing what's right for her and in the
process shedding light on the fact that at times,
motherhood can be unpleasant. Something not a lot of
mothers are willing to admit. It's not all instant, head-
over-heels love and devotion for everyone. I love my
children now, but I didn't the moment they were born.
Sorry. I didn't. We didn't even know each other. I felt an
instinctual need to care for and protect them, but that's
animalistic, not human love. You can blame it on
postpartum depression if you like, but I know I'm not the
only mother that's felt that and she explores that topic
on her site, too. PPD is real and it sucks. I've got about
a 90% chance of relapsing after this baby is born (a
statistic provided to me by my OB/GYN), so I know I'm in
for a struggle. At least this time around I can see it
coming.

I've really got to get off my ass and do something. I'll
feel like crap later tonight if I don't. Ciao!




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