Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Free Is A Good Deal
****
Some days I feel like I can't walk another step. I can't
handle another task. I can't think one more thought. Today
is one of those days. I can't remember ever feeling as
exhausted as I feel at this point in my life. Pregnancy
induced? Quite possibly, but I've been pregnant before and
it didn't take THIS much out of me. At 25, maybe I'm
finally starting to feel my age. As ridiculous as that may
sound, I've lived a lot in my 25 years. It's catching up
to me, I can feel it.
I've been on the move since 11am this morning. It's almost
10pm, but feels so much later. My ankles look like two
Honeybaked hams with toes. It's pretty gross. But, I got a
few things accomplished today that I needed to get done
really badly! I got my hospital bag, the baby's diaper
bag, all the little odds and ends I needed for the
nursery, nursing bras and pajamas. All before the girls'
appointments at 4pm. I love feeling productive!
Kiki and I had coffee with Gen, Cyrus and Gen's Aunt Anne.
We didn't spend our usual amount of time at Starbucks,
because we both had things to do, but we still squeezed it
in. After that, Kiki and I went to Ross to get me an
overnight bag and then the mall. I stopped in Motherhood
Maternity to try on nursing bras and to get nursing
pajamas (I'm a sucker for hidden nipple holes). For the
first time, probably in my life, every bra I tried on
worked! Then, the one pair of pajamas I've been wanting
for months, they had in my size and they fit perfectly,
too! I spent all of 10 minutes trying stuff on and I was
done. I also got a postpartum tummy supporter and breast
pads for leakage. I'm set! I'll pack my bag tomorrow.
Motherhood Maternity also had a diaper bag I liked. The
size was right, the feel was right. The only thing I
didn't like was the color. It was beige. I wanted black.
So, the lady that works there said if I wanted it in black
they could order it for me. It would take about 3 days to
mail it to me. That was fine by me. At that point I was
tired of looking.
My next stop was Toys R Us. I wish we had a Babies R Us
close by, but the nearest one is in Tacoma. I had to
settle for a small corner of the store, instead of the
whole store devoted to babies, but luckily they had what I
needed. I got a new changing pad for the changing table in
the nursery (Kiki put a hole in the original one). I got a
bath sling (a support you put in the sink to help hold
baby up during a bath. I don't need a big plastic tub),
unscented wipes, small mesh bags for tiny laundry, powder
scented bags for disposing of diapers, a couple cute
outfits that were on sale. Just odds and ends. I got a
free stroller for spending over $75! That was a nice
bonus, even though I don't think I'll ever use it. Free is
a good deal.
While I was looking at the pathetic selection of diaper
bags they had at Toys R Us, my phone rang. It was the lady
at Motherhood Maternity. The diaper bag I liked came in
today's shipment in black! Yippee! So, I headed back to
the mall to pick it up. It's got a tree in dark grey on
the front with little arms and legs wrapped around the
trunk, in green it says "I hug trees". The inside and the
trim is neon green and it comes with a plastic bag for wet
clothes, a changing pad, tons of pockets and it's eco-
friendly! It's made from recycled water bottles and even
though it's fully equipped on the inside to be a diaper
bag, it's cool enough to be used long after the baby is
older just as a carry-all or a tote. I'm in love with it.
The girls' doctor's appointment was emotionally draining
for me. Kiki was fine. She got checked over, she's doing
great. She didn't even need any immunizations this year.
She's done until right before Kindergarten. Annie on the
other hand, nearly got ripped a new asshole by her doctor.
it started out rocky, because Dr. Hill was asking me
questions about Annie's behavior (her teacher had faxed
over a report on her findings) and Annie kept trying to
answer for me. This made Dr. Hill angry, because Annie was
already told to be quiet, but that's next to impossible
for her. Based on my accounts of Annie at home, her
teacher's accounts of her at school and what Dr. Hill saw
for herself in the exam room, Annie was quickly referred
back to the child psychiatrist she saw last year. This
time I was given strict instructions NOT to take her off
the meds regardless of the side effects. We'll just have
to struggle through it until we find what works. After 5
years of dealing with Annie's behavior, it's obvious
something is wrong. Dr. Hill thinks she might have ODD,
too (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), which goes hand-in-
hand with ADHD and the past traumas our family has had
(which Annie knows all about). Knowing that I was raped by
my step-father and she's the product of that rape, isn't
something your average 9 year old has to live with. From
the limited research I did on ODD when I got home, it
looks like Annie is a textbook candidate for it. I can't
help but feel that Annie's problems are my fault. If I
weren't so messed up, maybe she wouldn't be...
Her doctor's trying to be as proactive as possible with
Annie's long-term care and well-being. She wants to stop
the downhill spiral before Annie gets any older. She said
Annie is showing signs of early puberty (at NOT EVEN 9
years old!!!!!!!!!!!!), so she wants to have Annie
vaccinated for HPV and some common STD's now so she can
build up immunity in the event that she becomes
promiscuous in the next few years. She also wants to put
her on Depo at 11. I don't agree with that, but we won't
be here when Annie is 11 and I'll be the judge of whether
or not Annie needs birth control at such a young age. I
did one round of Depo after I had Kiki and it nearly
turned my uterus inside out. I don't want to do that to
her.
As far as Annie's bathing issues go. Dr. Hill said if she
continues to give me trouble when it comes to grooming and
hygiene, then I'm to bring her to the pediatric clinic and
SHE'LL give her a shower. I have to admit, I love that Dr.
Hill is a hard-ass, because the two other pediatricians
Annie has had in her life, acted like I was making Annie's
behavior up and it was all normal. It isn't normal. I
think I handle Annie better than most, but she wears out
the most patient of people. We're going to get her
fixed :) That makes me happy. When Snookums gets back and
the baby is born, we'll start family counseling and
individual counseling for Annie and I. We need it. We have
to fix ourselves before Annie reaches the teenage years.
So, we don't end up like my mother and I did. Broken. Very
broken.
I'm so worn out. I'm going to take a bath and crawl in
bed. Tomorrow I've got things to do. Bags to pack, laundry
to do. The work never ends. Ciao.
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