Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-05-05 18:59:35 (UTC)

Waiting For The Strength To Come

I got a myspace friend request from a lady that reads my
diary. She said that I'm an inspiration to woman. That's a
very sweet thing to say, but I'm not feeling like an
inspiration at the moment. I feel like I've been run over
by a train, but have little to nothing to show for it. As
the old adage goes "What doesn't kill you, makes you
stronger", so I'm waiting for the strength to come.

I had an extremely hard time falling asleep last night.
When I stopped moving and laid still in bed, EVERYTHING
started throbbing. I couldn't make the pain go away! I
took some Tylenol and waited for it to kick in. When it
did, I was highly disappointed. It didn't even put a small
dent in my pain level. So, I suffered for many hours,
until I finally fell asleep around 2am. I woke up at 6am
practically in tears because I shifted wrong and upset my
pelvis. I took some more Tylenol and applied the heating
pad. I can walk now, but I'm not feeling so great.

I'm starting to get scared. Not of the birth itself. I
know I can do that. I've done it before...alone even. I've
had a sick child. I've had a healthy child. I'm more
worried about how I'll come out of it. I've never
experienced so much pain BEFORE labor. If I hurt this much
now, how will I feel postpartum? After I had Kiki I
couldn't walk for a week. I didn't drive for the first 6
weeks, because lifting a leg to work the pedals was agony.
They told me it was normal, but I experienced no such pain
with Annie. Turns out Kiki came out face up, which is the
hardest way to birth a baby short of breech. Usually they
would rotate a baby coming out like that, but they didn't.
They witnessed me incurring irreparable damage and told me
it was normal. I hadn't known that until Snookums told me.
I asked him which way Kiki was facing when she came out.
He said she came out face up, opened her eyes and looked
at him. I suppose that isn't something you'd forget.

This time around, I've got knowledge on my side. I'm
informed, whereas I wasn't with Kiki. I can't stop the
pain I know is coming, but I can try to minimize the
damage. I will not be put on my back and forced to push
against gravity. I will not be strapped to a bed. I will
be the biggest pain in the ass Naval Hospital as ever
seen, because this is going down MY WAY. The only reason
I'm even going to the hospital is because Jason feels more
comfortable with that and I want the baby to be close to
medical attention if it's needed. Otherwise, I'd stay home
and do it myself. Been there, done that.

Today is the first day of my 9th month. I'm uneasy because
I'm not prepared. With Annie I was ready by 7 months. With
Kiki I was ready at 8 months. Here I am at 9 months and
not even close to being ready. Ready by my standards,
which are different from other people's standards. I don't
have my bag packed, either. I need to get on this stuff!
That's so much easier said than done when you can barely
walk and bending over feels like getting stabbed in the
back with a knife. I'm so frustrated by my physical
limitations!!!

I have errands to run. Ciao.




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