Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Little Sullenness
***
It occurred to me today, as I was wallowing in bed
watching my 10th hour of America's Next Top Model
(seriously, I watched an entire season marathon. Thank you
VH1) that I'm depressed. Not about anything in particular,
but I'm getting that gloomy feeling again. The one I had
before I started seeing a therapist and went on
medication. The signs are all there:
*I'm avoiding people like the plague. Especially social
situations.
*I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to
get dressed, or leave the house. For any reason.
*I'm not happy about things I should be happy about and my
children's laughter and loudness are starting to irritate
me again. I want quiet.
*I've got so many things I want to do, but I don't have
the desire to make a move on them. I don't want to take
the initiative to do even the smallest things.
*Nothing seems important. Nothing really matters.
If you've never experienced depression before, it can seem
like a simple thing. I've had people say things like "why
don't you just be happy?" Well, if it were that easy then
I'd do it, wouldn't I? Depression is a complicated thing.
I have no reason to be feeling depressed. My life is going
hunky-dory at the moment. I have every reason to be happy.
I'm having a baby! In my case, it's a chemical imbalance
and I'm not taking the medications anymore that were
helping to keep me in balance. My doctor said this would
happen, but I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to go
back on medication and I don't want to see the stupid
therapist he keeps pushing me to see. In my mind, I'm not
a threat to the safety of myself or my children, so I'll
deal with a little sullenness. Maybe I would like to enjoy
life a little more. I'm starting to think that's too much
to ask, though.
The catch-22 about not wanting to go back on meds, is that
I lack the drive to WANT to fix myself by other means.
Exercise really helped a lot. Meditation helped, too. But,
I don't have the desire to do those things. I'm also
limited physically at the moment. I used to go to the gym
and pound out 8 miles on the treadmill and feel fabulous
afterwards, but I can't do that now. Waddling down the
street hardly has the same effect. I wish it did. The only
thing I can do at the moment is remind myself that I have
to work harder at being positive. Once the baby is born, I
at least have one thing I didn't have after I had Kiki.
The knowledge of what was to come. I didn't know about
postpartum depression and I didn't know I was susceptible,
but now I do, so I won't let myself fall into that abyss
again. Knowledge is power, they always say.
I have nothing of interest to talk about, so I'm going to
retire for now. I'm going to take a bath, read my book for
a little bit, then maybe have some ice cream. Haagen-Daz
Vanilla Bean. My new favorite. Ciao.
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