Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-04-23 16:17:11 (UTC)

Whatever Will Be Will Be

I'm trying to stifle the underlying sense of doom I'm
feeling, because I don't see how it can be of any good to
me. Added stress isn't going to help a damn thing.

I tried so hard to sleep last night. Despite feeling
really good physically (not a trace of heartburn, Snookums
had massaged my back, my hips weren't hurting because I'd
gotten some walking in), mentally I couldn't quiet my mind
enough to get to sleep. When I did finally fall asleep, I
couldn't stay asleep. All I could think about was this
appointment coming up. It's not the stress test itself I'm
worried about. I had one with Annie because I was a week
overdue. I know what to expect. It's what needing the test
so soon and so frequently (once a week until I deliver)
means. That's what's got me a little worried.

I decided a long time ago that it didn't matter if there
was something wrong with the baby. It's my lot in life to
raise the children I bring into the world regardless of
their abilities or disabilities. NO abortion. NO adoption.
So, it doesn't matter to me if the baby isn't perfect.
Well, it does, but you know what I mean. Who wants
something wrong with their baby? I know it's nothing I've
done wrong and beyond doing what I'm supposed to do (not
drinking, not smoking, taking my vitamins, getting
exercise, having prenatal care) everything else is out of
my hands. Whatever will be will be. Repeating that to
myself helps. I said the same thing when Kiki was born
sick and she was a challenge as an infant, but we got
through it and she's fine now. This baby will be fine, too.

Of course, this worry could be (more than likely is)
premature. I just needed to get it out. Ciao.




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