Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-04-03 04:30:40 (UTC)

I Wasn't Supposed To Be Sad Today

****

Well, today was the day. The first day of the rest of
Snookums' life as far as he was concerned. It's a boy. I
saw it with my own two eyes. I didn't even need the
technician to tell me. I thought I didn't care what it
was, but it turns out I really did want another girl,
because I'm a little disappointed. At first, I was happy
for Snookums, because I knew that's what he wanted, but
eventually I came to realize that I was more preoccupied
with girl's names and wondering if it would look more like
Annie or Kiki. I suppose I can still wonder that, but with
it being a boy, it's less likely to look like one of them
and more likely to look like a...boy. Secretly, I wanted 3
girls. I'm sure I'll recover. It's not the end of the
world.

All I could think about during the entire 30 minute
procedure (which already made me worry, because it took
twice as long as any other ultrasound I've had) was
whether or not the baby was okay. I don't know why I have
this overwhelming sense of doom. Like, something is wrong,
but I don't know what it is yet. Maybe no one does. It
could just be me being irrational. This is my last child.
I've tempted fate so far (with my two healthy children).
Am I about to lose the genetic lottery? I tried reading
the ultrasound technicians facial features, but she had
the best poker face I've ever seen. You couldn't get
anything out of her. Snookums simply asked her if
everything looked okay and she wouldn't even answer that!
Which, is partly what makes me think everything is not
okay.

The baby weighs 3lbs 8oz right now. That isn't big at all.
It's on the high side of normal for 30 weeks. So, that
means I'm measuring large due to too much fluid. I didn't
need anyone to tell me that. I'm not stupid. If I measure
3 and a half weeks ahead, but the baby is the perfect
gestational size, then there's too much fluid. But, what
does that mean? Another sick baby or just a too-big
uterus. I hate that I have to wait another week to find
out. I'll make an appointment with my doctor for as soon
as possible, but that didn't help me with Kiki. I'll just
be glad when he's born. Then, I'll know one way or the
other how he's doing.

We got a few pictures of the baby. Naval Hospital's techs
take crappy ultrasound photos. Some of them I don't know
what the hell they're of. I recognize the penis, but
everything else is a blur. There's one of the baby's foot
that one's pretty good. I'll post them on my myspace maybe
tomorrow. I don't feel up to it tonight.

I'm going to take a bath now and finish mourning the loss
of my third daughter :( I wasn't supposed to be sad today.
Ciao.




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