Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-03-17 07:40:28 (UTC)

Writing Is The Best Therapy

I'M SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!! I want to sleep. I need to
sleep. I greatly desire to fall asleep. I greatly desired
it 3 hours ago, yet still it has not happened. Snookums
and I went to bed around 9pm, we watched Food Network. I
got to see a new episode of Iron Chef, which made me
happy, but once it was over, I really wanted to fall
asleep. It didn't work out that way. I'm supposed to lay
on my sides, which makes sense, since laying on my stomach
is not an option and laying on my back makes it impossible
to breath. The only problem is, my hips hurt if I lay on
one side too long. All of a sudden our bed has become to
hard for my delicate body. So, I flip-flopped for awhile,
then gave up and came out to the computer. Naturally, if
I'm up and frustrated, writing is my outlet. No one may
care that I'm up after midnight, irritated, tired and
cranky, but I can ramble all I want, because it's my diary
and I can do that! Of course Snookums is passed out and I
don't blame him. He has to get up at 4:15am to get ready
for work. I'm just kind of lonely.

It also just occurred to me that in 3 months I'll be up
right about now and not so lonely because I'll have a baby
with me! I guess that's a different perspective. I've
never minded getting up for midnight feedings and
changings because I've never been able to sleep well while
pregnant, so by the time the baby came, I was well used to
getting up every couple hours. Just another miraculous way
my body makes child birth easy :) 4 hour labors and sleep
deprivation training. It's a shame we're stopping at 3
kids. I'm a baby-making machine! I'm kidding. Any more
than 3 and I'll start losing count of them. Like a mother
hen (chickens can only count to 3. Bet you didn't know
that).

It's funny. I haven't really been very engaged in this
pregnancy. I've yet to crack one of my numerous pregnancy
books. I'm pretty bad about making prenatal appointments
on time (I get around to them, but a couple weeks late).
I'm not at all curious as to what the baby is. I'm not
feeling particularly maternal towards the baby inside me.
I can feel it move and squirm, but it doesn't excite me.
It irritates me. I'm not sure why I'm so disengaged, but I
looked at the ticker on my myspace a few minutes ago and
saw that I have exactly 80 days until my due date. That's
not a whole lot of time. I have no fears about whether or
not I'll be a good mother to the baby. It's ingrained in
me. I know what to do with babies. I just worry I won't
love it as much as I should. Maybe it is possible to run
out of love. I wasn't completely enamoured with Kiki when
she was first born. I didn't get to hold her for days. I
didn't get to nurse her. She was on a different floor. I
did what I had to, but we missed out on those first
moments of bonding. Hopefully that won't happen this time.
I'm going to need those moments. I feel very detached.
Which is sad, because I'm oh so very attached, in the
literal sense.

I looked down at my belly today and noticed that this past
week there has been a lot of growth. I don't need a tape
measure to tell me that. Last week when I looked down at
my belly, I could still see my belly button. Now, all I
can see is the fundus. The very top of my belly. It
frightens me a little to be getting bigger so quickly. I
don't want a repeat of what happened with Kiki, yet here
it comes. Like deja vu in the worst way. I don't think I
can have anymore babies simply for this reason. I don't
want to worry about them or have to deal with the
ramifications of having more "special" children. Don't get
me wrong, I love Kiki to death. I just worry about what
life will be like for her in the future. Nothing has come
easy in her life. She's so much younger mentally and
emotionally than Annie was. Annie at Kiki's age was
completely potty-trained. Even at night, riding a bike,
sleeping in a big-girl bed and playing outside with
friends. Kiki won't go near a toilet, can't pedal her
tricycle, still sleeps in her crib (converted to a toddler
bed, but even that's taken months to accomplish) and won't
go near other children. Only the ones in therapy she's
forced to be around. She won't play with them, though.
Talking to outsiders is tough for her, too because very
little of her speech is understandable. Kiki is so
dependant upon Jason and I. Will this baby be the same
way? What will I do if it is? Now is not the time to think
about it. What can I do at 12:40am, 7 months pregnant?
Just wait and see what the future holds, I guess. There is
nothing I can't handle. Nothing. I'll keep telling myself
that.

I think I'll go make another attempt as sleeping. Maybe
unloading my mind a little was all I needed to help me
sleep. Honestly, the stuff I wrote about just now hadn't
even occurred to me until I started writing. Sometimes
when my fingers move over the keyboard, stuff just comes
tumbling out. Writing is the best therapy. Ciao.




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