Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Downhill At A Steady Clip
***
I'm glad to see no one missed me, since I didn't write
last night. Not that I expected anyone to. My life is
pathetic and even if I did want the attention of friends,
I would probably hide from it anyway, because that's just
how I am. At least lately.
Last night, after a rough day, Snookums convinced to take
a bath and go to bed. I put up a little fight about
writing, but not a big one. It's not like people are
hanging on my every word and just HAVE to know what I'm up
to everyday. There's only so much unhappiness one can read
about. I'd hate to use up someones quota.
So, basically yesterday started out okay, but went
downhill at a steady clip. We kept Annie home from school
to give her antibiotics a chance to start working.
Snookums went to work, but came home early to spent time
with her. I'm sure it was just a ploy to get off work
early, but he's truly shameless when it comes to those
things and I wouldn't expect anything less from him.
Around 2pm, I left to go do some grocery shopping. I'd
spent a good part of the morning collecting, clipping and
organizing coupons thinking I'd save a bunch of money with
my resourcefulness. I should have known it wouldn't work
out, because nothing does these days.
The first sign that things weren't going to go my way
happened at the gate. It was rain/snowing (what is that
called, sleet?) I was the third car in a row of four
waiting to get on base. I saw base police at the gate, but
it's not like that's an uncommon sight. I just knew it
though. I said to myself "you are so going to be chosen
for the random inspection". Sure enough just when I
thought I'd gotten through, "can I have you pull up to the
inspection station?" It was cold, wet and I was in pain
(as usual), but what can I say, no? Even though the
inspection area is covered, the rain was coming in
sideways on a strong wind and I was getting pelted as I
had to open all the doors, the trunk and the hood of the
car (which is not light). I stood there while they did
their thing, freezing. When it was over I went to put down
the hood and somehow managed to aggravate the wrist I
broke last year, so 36 hours after the fact, my wrist is
still killing me. Whenever I move it I can hear that one
piece of migrant bone fragment moving around in there. At
some point I'm going to have to get that taken care of.
I thought that was it for my streak of bad luck and really
that wasn't so bad. I was just in a weak state of mind.
When I got to the Commissary I relished the fact that it
wasn't payday and the place wasn't overrun with people. I
set to work with my file folder of coupons. You have no
idea how much work that is. Each coupon has some sort of
requirement. It has to be this certain product or you have
to get this to qualify for this and so on and so forth. It
takes time to make sure you're meeting all the
requirements. So, when I get to the register, I'm feeling
triumphant. I've done it! Only, the 12 year old Filipino
girl behind the register tells me they can't accept my
online coupons because of some "online barcode" that's
missing. I explained to her that I downloaded special
software so that the coupons would have compatible
barcodes for their registers. I even talked to the
manager, but to no avail. I wasn't so much mad as I was
dejected. I wanted so bad to cry, but I saved it until I
was in the car by myself. I'd ended up spending about $100
more than I would have spent had I just done what I always
do. Buy what's on sale or the usual stuff we always use.
Instead I bought stuff because it was free with this or
$2.00 off. Without the coupons, I was just buying random
stuff we didn't really need. 6 bags of chips? Really? With
the coupons I had, 2 of them would have been free and the
other one's would have been $1.99 each. But, no. Not for
me. I called Snookums and bawled my eyes out. That's when
he told me to come home and ran me a nice hot bath, put
all the groceries away and put me to bed. He was very
sweet. Probably only because he hates it when I cry.
Annie still didn't look so good when we put her to bed
last night, so I called up work and had someone cover my
shift today, so I could stay home with her another day. I
think that made a big difference. She was more like her
old self today. Snookums has duty, so it was just me and
the girls. I couldn't have spent more than an hour total
outside of my bedroom all day. Kiki brought books and toys
with her and camped out on daddy's side of the bed. Annie
chilled in the living room and watched Disney most of the
day. She cycled between naps and movies. I laid on my left
side, felt sorry for my poor tired body and got irritated
by all of the baby's movement. It felt like it wouldn't
stop moving. I don't think it ever slept. All I felt were
rolls, jabs, kicks. It would ball up really tight on one
side or the other. Right under my ribs. I don't know what
was up. I just hope this means it will sleep tonight,
instead of keeping me up all hours. I'm trying to feel
bonded with this child, but I'm just not feeling it yet.
When Snookums called, he commended me on how well I've
been doing without anti-depressants, but I'm really not so
sure about that. I spent the entire day in bed. What's
good about that? I don't want to do the things I used to
love. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go
to work. I don't even want to shop. Something isn't right.
Depression is so much more than just not being happy. The
problem is, it's hard to put your finger on exactly what's
wrong. It just makes you feel crazy.
I should be going to bed now. I have my last day shift at
10:45am. The girls are spending their last day at daycare.
It's a huge life change for us. Me mostly. I hope I handle
it okay. There's no turning back now. I've always had
daycare to fall back on. When I couldn't handle the
stresses of motherhood and depression, there was somewhere
for them to be. Now, it's all on me. No matter what.
Snookums is happy about the money we'll save, but I don't
think he's giving much thought to anything else. He just
says "I'm sure you'll be fine." I hope he's right. Ciao.
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