Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-01-31 05:39:45 (UTC)

Moments Of Hope

***

I don't feel like writing. I'm not sure why I'm making
myself write, since there isn't much to talk about. I
figure there isn't anything else for me to be doing right
now. So, why not?

I feel very depressed. It isn't anything new. I've been
here before. I think I'm just not letting myself think
about it too much, but I feel depressed and by that I
don't mean just in my head. My entire body is
sad/down/lethargic. Call it what you will. I'm tired, worn
out, weak and mentally taxed. My doctor told me it would
be like this once the antidepressants left my system, but
this is really hard. Maybe more so than I thought it would
be. But, it's for the good of the baby, right? Please run
me over with a semi truck. Get it over with already.

As down as I feel at the moment, there are moments of
hope. Sometimes I think about what I'll accomplish after
the baby is born. I'll get back in shape, do more things
with my children, enjoy life more. Between the crippling
depression and the almost crippling pain of SPD (symphysis
pubis dysfunction), I don't feel like I've got a whole lot
of motivation to do anything right now. I've delved a
little more into Buddhism lately, only because I need
something. Something to think of outside of my head. There
is no trusting in God. God is invisible. Enigmatic at
best. A shot in the dark. A hope that he exists. At least
Buddha was a real person, not a deity made up by ancient
humans because human nature requires we have something to
believe in. Go ahead Christians, bring on the hate mail,
tell me how wrong I am. Being wrong doesn't scare me.
Being unhappy does. I'd rather take my chances with hell
as Christians think of it, than risk wasting this life.
Because, even though Buddhism teaches about reincarnation,
that still doesn't give us reason to waste our lives. This
life is only destined once. I really should be living it,
not surviving it.

I spent a little time look back at some of my earlier
entries today. It still boggles my mind that I've written
over 900 entries in this diary. Yet, nothing much has
changed. There were good times in my life and bad. Just
like everyone else on the planet. I'd consider this time
in my life to be a not-so-great time. Not bad, but not
good either. Transitional. I'm in transition. I can't wait
to see what I morph into. We'll revisit this topic in 6
months. I should be feeling a lot better. I hope.

I think I did pretty good for someone that didn't feel
like writing. Ciao.




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