Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2008-01-12 02:42:05 (UTC)

Smiling Isn't Necessary

**

I feel very low today. I woke up very early this morning,
with lots of jumbled thoughts swirling through my head. I
was never able to fall back to sleep, which left me in a
sour mood. I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep well. Something
mental or physical (or both) is always in the way. I'm
tormented. If a person can be haunted by what they should
or shouldn't be doing, then I am. I'm that person. I'm
haunted by my own spirit. I'm not entirely sure how to
explain that, but it feels right. It feels like how I
feel. I want to cry. I have no one I can talk to about
things, because if I cry or get upset it's inevitable
blamed on my "condition". Like it's 1852 and I'm a
delicate flower. I'm nothing like a delicate flower. I'm a
gnarled and tangled thorn bush. Mean and pokey. If you
can't help me, leave me alone.

Drastic times call for drastic measures and I feel like
I'm getting to that point. I feel the need to do something
major with my life, yet I'm not entirely sure what that
entails. I hate everything about everything around me.
It's all tolerable enough, but I'm not pleased with it.
I'm not happy. I don't walk around with a smile on my
face. I don't want to smile. Being content would be
enough. Smiling isn't necessary. I tried talking with
Jason about this when I got home, but talking to him in a
metaphorical sense is like trying to explain gravity to an
infant. They just don't have any grasp. No way of
understanding. He's pretty much the same. So, I'll just
mull things over in my head. Which is probably what's
wrong with me. It isn't severe depression. It's too much
crap in my head and no one to talk to about it. I'm sick
of psychiatrists. They aren't much better than Snookums.
Snookums has one advantage over them even. He genuinely
cares about me, even if he doesn't know how to show it.
They are trained to not care about me. Or to not show it.
Whatever the case may be... I think I'll take a bath
tonight.

I need to go eat now. Snookums cooked me dinner tonight.
Macaroni and cheese, little hockey pucks he's calling
hamburgers, no vegetable. He means well, I'm sure. Ciao.




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