Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-12-31 08:40:57 (UTC)

We All Move On

***

I don't feel like writing. I'd rather be eating a bowl of
French vanilla ice cream with hot fudge smothering it.
Which, I plan on doing as soon as I'm done here...

I didn't get around to writing last night. Not because I
had anything pressing going on. I just didn't get around
to it. Instead, I became engrossed in a computer game and
played until around 3am. My high score was over 931,000.
Not bad. Computer games aren't really my thing. They're
more Jason's, but sometimes when you don't want to think
about anything for awhile, rearranging colorful gems in
outer space helps.

The girls and I spent the afternoon with Gen and family.
We went to the mall and then Applebee's for dinner. Going
to the mall is not really my idea of fun. In fact, I avoid
it at all costs if I'm not going to work. Too many people.
People I don't want to be around. I would have rather sat
at home and did nothing, but I hadn't gotten out in days
and I figured it was time I did. The highlight of my day
was a new outfit from Motherhood Maternity and a pair of
Coach shoes from Macy's. Black loafers that are just my
style and perfect for work.

I saw my aunt at Applebee's. She did her best to pretend
she didn't see me and I tried not to let all the past
hurts (betrayal, abandonment, etc) come back to haunt me.
It's such a thing of the past now, I don't even take it
personally anymore. She's not the person I knew. My
cousins aren't the same people I grew up with. People
change. It's safe to say, after 5 years that I don't know
who they are anymore. So, what's there to be hurt about? I
don't know them, they don't know me. We all move on.

Today wasn't a very good day for me. Jason came home from
duty early this morning. He came into the house in a sour
mood and it really only got worse from there. He screamed
and yelled at the girls all morning for the stupidest
things. Stupid shit, I can't even remember enough to give
you an example. Kiki was hysterical, screaming for me to
pick her up, Annie willingly locked herself in her bedroom
after being brought to tears. I don't even remember her
doing anything. She came up the stairs and Jason just
started yelling. So, she high-tailed it back down. I
calmly and quietly asked him to stop, not to take out
whatever was wrong with him on the girls. But, he did it
again. You can do and say a lot to me, but don't mess with
my children. I will kill you. They are the only thing in
this life I give a rat's ass about. Fuck with them and
risk bodily harm. I warned him that if he so much as
raised his voice at either one of them again today, I'd
see to it that he spent his evening in the hospital. I'm
not above killing him. Literally. The scary thing is, I'm
just crazy enough to get away with it :) He took my words
to heart, too. Because Kiki flooded the downstairs
bathroom during her bath and he was sweet as a peach and
twice as soft.

Jason wasn't very nice with me, either. He made me cry
twice. Once when he found out I spent his gift card on the
Coach shoes (like we can't afford 50 stinking dollars for
him to buy something at Macy's) and then after I told him
Gen and Sam were going to borrow the truck. I didn't ASK
him if it was okay. Why wouldn't it be okay? Even though
he wasn't going anywhere and they needed it to bring home
a new couch. Maybe I should have asked him first, but he
didn't have to yell at me. After that he locked himself in
the bedroom and I left to run errands. Kiki and Annie were
napping when I left. Probably from all the trauma they
endured this morning.

All day I had intermittent thoughts of how to
kill/injure/maim Jason, or how to leave him. This time
last year I thought he was the greatest man on earth. Now,
I'd beg to differ. I'm sure I'm about 99% to blame for the
way he treats me, but the way he's treating the girls has
been going on from day 1. He can't continue to do that to
them. Not treating me nice is just an even stronger push
for me to make a change. When I got home, he apologized
and tried to make up, saying he'd had a rough day on duty
and I caught him at a bad time. Whatever. I have bad days
at work too, I don't come home and verbally assault my
family and scare the shit out of my children. I hate him
sometimes.

Okay, I've earned my ice cream now. Ciao.




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