Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-12-29 06:24:03 (UTC)

Weight Of Discontent

***

Never made it to the gym. I don't know about you, but I'm
not really surprised. I might have made it if Snookums
hadn't come home early, but he did, so I didn't. Instead,
we ended up taking a long nap with Kiki. Annie was busy
doing her own thing in her room (we don't see her much
since Barbie came into her life).

Tomorrow Snookums has duty, so I know for a fact, I'll be
doing something, because I'm not happy with the way things
are currently. I'm feeling a great weight of discontent.
The same old shit, really. I'm not happy in my situation,
I don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure what I want
or what I want to accomplish. At the moment sitting in bed
or on the couch feels alright, but when this time of
evening comes and the day is done, i feel like my day was
a waste. How many days do we get in a lifetime, and are
they really so invaluable that we can afford to waste
them? Sometimes I feel happy, but I'm not sure if I ever
am. I don't know if I'll ever be until I figure out what
is wrong in my life and fix it.

Being pregnant right now isn't helping any. Instead of
feeling a wonderful sense of well-being and bonding with
the unborn child, I just feel in limbo. There's things I
want to do that I can't because of the little parasite in
my womb. I'd love a nice cocktail, but no. That isn't
happening. That one time I went to Mako's I got dirty
looks from every woman in the place. Like I couldn't leave
the house because I'm pregnant. I'd like a cigarette onc0e
in awhile, but that isn't happening either. The last thing
I need is a child born with more issues than this child
will probably already have simply by virtue of being
Snookums (Kiki hasn't been the easiest child). I want to
lose weight, but I can't do that either. Everyday I feel
bigger, more off balance, less fit, more round. I hate it.
I know it's part of being pregnant, but I don't like it. I
hate feeling like I was never meant to be a mother, but
somehow fell into the position via a series of
misfortunate events. I suppose I'm just complaining
because I'm bored. I teeter-totter between boredom and
exhaustion. I need to find that happy medium. But, for me
that's way easier said than done. I think I'll go play
chuzzle or something. I need a diversion. Ciao.




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