Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
My Womb Is A Battlefield
***
I've experienced every possible emotion today. Of course,
as is customary of me in times of hardship. I don't want
to talk about it. But since I'm here, I might as well dish.
After discovering what Jason has been up to the past
couple of months I wasn't sure what to do, think, say or
feel. I slept on the couch last night. I didn't even want
him touching me. I laid on the couch, looking out the big
picture window at the sky. The clouds were in shades of
burgundy and pink and moving fast across the sky. It was
soothing and eventually I fell asleep. Not before thinking
about the exchange I had with Ron on the phone and the
friendly e-mail I sent to Jason's girlfriend.
Basically, I made myself vulnerable by telling Ron that I
still love him and I still wanted to be with him. But he
doesn't want to be with me anymore. He made that perfectly
clear. So, I give up. He says we can be friends, but I
don't know about that. Today I called him in need of a
friend. I just wanted somewhere to go for a little while.
Someone to talk to, but he said it was too soon. Too soon
for what? I'm not going to steal him away from Nicole.
Misty thinks I'm going to do that too, but how am I
supposed to "steal" him from her if he doesn't want to be
stolen? I'm not desperate. I don't need either of them.
Ron or Jason. At this point gathering up my children and
running away to the Bahamas to sell coconuts on the beach
sounds like a feasible plan.
I had a couple doctor's appointments today. First thing
this morning was my ultrasound. As if I don't already have
enough on my mind, the doctor tells me I have a low lying
placenta and some intrauterine bleeding. The picture she
gave me is so blurry you can hardly see the baby. It was
moving and everything (quite frantically, in fact) as she
poked at it with the transducer. I feel bad for this baby.
It has no choice but to be in my womb at a time when I'm
under an enormous amount of stress. My womb is a
battlefield. The doctor says I have to relieve some of my
stress asap. Easier said than done.
Between appointments, Gen and I did a little browsing at
World Market and had coffee at Starbucks. It's been over
two weeks since we did coffee and we try not to go longer
than that. Neither of us had been in World Market in
awhile. Not since before Cyrus was born (and he's pushing
5 months old). So, we strolled around a bit. I didn't see
anything I just had to have, but Gen picked up a few
things (including a Christmas present for me :) It was a
nice diversion being with her.
My second appointment was later in the afternoon.
Basically, it was a briefing on my condition and also a
time to figure out a game plan as to my anti-depressants.
I want to be off of them completely to prevent "grumpy
baby syndrome". The not-so-scientific term for a baby
coming down off of it's mother's meds after it's born.
It's no longer getting a steady dose of happy pills, so it
feels the same thing the mother would feel if she stopped
taking her meds. The headaches, irritability, vision
issues. I know what that feels like (because I'm trying to
wean myself) and I couldn't do that to a little baby. So,
the plan is to cut my dose in half and slowly stretch out
the time in between doses until I'm not taking any at all.
Since they still feel that I'm a few french fries short of
a Happy Meal, I'll have to go back into counseling every
week until after the baby is born and I can go back on
something, if need be. I don't want that to happen,
though. I'd rather deal with my fucked up emotions then
medicate them away.
Jason was here when I got home from the hospital. I
couldn't even look him in the eye. I just had to leave. I
went for a walk on the beach. Since we've moved here, I've
yet to take advantage of our waterfront accommodations.
So, I did that. I thought I was feeling okay, but
apparently I wasn't, because I came to a marble staircase
that led down into the rising tide. I sat down on the 4th
step from the bottom and watched the water lap at steps 1
and 2. Then I started to cry. Just all of a sudden. Deep,
heart-cleansing sobs. It seems like I've been doing that a
lot lately. After I was done, I took a moment to ponder
why the Navy had made a staircase out of solid marble
right there. Then I headed home. It was starting to rain.
When I came in, I went straight to the bedroom. At first
Jason stayed away. I heard him go on the computer and I
knew it would only be a moment before he knew what I was
so upset about. Sure enough, he came into the bedroom a
few minutes later, looking like a St. Bernard that had
just gotten in trouble for shitting on the carpet. I
didn't feel the need to rub his face in it. I just ignored
him. His girlfriend broke up with him because of me. Or so
he says. I'm not sure I should believe him. I guess
knowing that I knew spooked her or something and now she
wants to work on her marriage and suggests he do the same.
Whatever. Oh, here's the letter I sent her:
Dear Michelle,
I'm sure you know who I am and if you don't you will in a
minute. Don't worry. I'm not mad at you. I'm just letting
you know if you want Jason, you can have him. Yeah, I've
known about your little chats for awhile now and I've just
been sitting back laughing. He has no intention of leaving
me for you, but you have no idea how much I want to be
wrong about that. He's just getting back at me for
cheating on him while he was on deployment. But, continue
on. Don't let me stop you. Really. The sooner you take him
off my hands, the sooner I can move on to bigger and
better things. Although I have the feeling you really
don't intend for anything to come of this. Take care.
Jennifer Allen
P.S. Have you seen a picture of him? If not, here you go.
I hope you like what you see.
Did I bluff a little? Yeah, maybe. But for the most part
it's true. I know I can do better than Jason. I settled
for him knowing full well he wasn't exactly what I wanted
in a man, but he was enough at the time. I thought I could
compromise on him. I'm still not making any rash
desicions. Maybe someday we'll feel that love for each
other again. Or I'll go buy those plane tickets to the
Bahamas. Ciao.
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