Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-12-02 12:42:02 (UTC)

True Despair

***

It's after 4am, why on earth am I still awake? The ironic
thing is, I didn't sleep well at all last night. I was up
until almost 4am. I thought I'd sleep well, but all I
could do was toss and turn. I was thinking about Ron. He
is such a disruptive force in my life. A double edged
sword. I couldn't imagine having never had him in my life,
but the distraction he causes me is profound. I love him,
what can I say. It doesn't help that Jason isn't being
terribly warm and loving towards me these days. He's
distant and sometimes cold and cruel. I almost wonder what
he's trying to hold on to sometimes. Is our marriage
destined to fail? I'm almost inclined to think that it is.
I hate to admit it, but as much affection as I have for
him, I don't feel the same connection to him. Our children
are what keep us together. Because if we didn't have a
family, I probably would have left him a long time ago.
I'm notorious for moving on to bigger and better things. I
also never said I was a nice person, so if you find this
paragraph cold and a little callous, then I'm doing my
job. Being honest. I've really no energy for dishonesty
these days.

It snowed today. When I left for work this morning, I
noticed that it was very cold. I didn't watch the news or
go online before I left, so I didn't know it was in the
forecast, but about an hour after I got to work, Tamara
called to say she was going to be late because of
the "blizzard" as she put it. Eventually the snow took a
toll on our traffic and the store got really dead. The
last segment I was there for had a $3,000 goal, but we
didn't even make half. Our transactions were pathetic. So,
we milled around for hours, trying to keep busy with panty
tables and replenishing. Tamara let 3 of us go early,
since it was so quiet.

Jason really pissed me off when I got home. I came into
the house and the first thing that hit me was baby pee.
Instantly I was irate. I didn't spend 4 hours last week
cleaning my house to come home worn out and tired to a
smelly pig sty. He was closed up in the bedroom watching
football while the girls ran amok in the living room.
Clothes, toys, dirty diapers, all over the floor. The
second I walked in Kiki came up and asked me for food.
Annie was frustrated because she was left in charge of
Kiki, which she's SO not able to handle yet. I wanted to
punch him in the face like you wouldn't believe. What the
hell is wrong with him? He's down right mean at times.
Doesn't show any of us much affection (which is so
customary of him) and now he won't even take care of the
girls' basic needs. I'm so close to having a very serious
conversation with him. Part of me just wants to leave.
Another part of me is scared to. Scared of the unknown.
What if he's the best I can do? Anyhow, I went off on him
and made him clean up the house and the girls while I made
dinner. After which, he went back to the bedroom and left
me alone in the living room. What happened to all the time
we used to spend together?

I fell asleep on the couch and around midnight he came to
get me to take me to bed. Once in bed, I reached over and
put my hand on his chest. He snatched if off and threw it
back at me. He claimed my hand was really cold and it
startled him, but it hurt my feelings because all I was
trying to do was extend a simple affectionate gesture. I
started to cry a little, but I don't let him see that. Not
that it affects him anymore anyway. I'm a strong woman. I
keep telling myself that. After he fell asleep, I just
came back out to the living room. Sleeping with him is
getting harder and harder. Maybe it's the root reason I'm
not sleeping well, even though I'm so tired.

Great, now I'm crying again. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm
crying because my life is so fucked up or if it's just
because I'm hormonally challenged. True despair is what it
feels like every time. I wish so much was different.
Instead of taking control of my life, it's spiraling out
of control. I want to quit. I want to throw in the towel,
but I have too many people depending on me. I'd really
like to go for a walk right now, but it's 4:40am, below
freezing and very dark. I suppose I'll go lay on the couch
and hope to fall asleep. Ron will surely come haunt my
dreams. Ciao.




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