Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Life Takes Strange Turns
****
I know I said I'd write tomorrow morning, but I'm up now
and chances are I won't get up any earlier than I have to
tomorrow (i.e, just enough time to get ready for work).
I've decided that writing while the emotion is fresh is
worth the loss of a half hour's sleep.
I just got back from my evening out. It was interesting.
Of course I didn't enjoy Mako's as much as I did when I
was able to drink and dance like a fool. Tonight I was
resigned to Shirley Temples, diet Cokes and sitting at the
table watching everyone else dance. Oh, it was great fun.
Whether I was willing to admit it or not, what I really
wanted to accomplish tonight was meeting Nicole (Ron's new
girlfriend) and seeing what she's like. Her entire
demeanor can be summed up in one word. Simple. She's an
uncomplicated person. She seems nice enough, but lacks a
certain intellect I'm sure Ron will come to miss. Do I
think she's a bad person? Absolutely not. Do I think
she'll cause Ron any harm? Not in the least. If he's going
to date someone, I like the idea that he's with someone as
benign as her. This may sound harsh, but I think he's
settling for much less than he's worth. At some point I
intend on telling him this to his face. Tonight just
wasn't the night.
One really good thing came out of tonight for me. I can no
longer express my feelings towards Nicole as jealousy. I
say this because she doesn't have what I want. If
anything, I want the relationship I had with Ron. Not the
one she's having with him now. They're different. Watching
them together tonight was cathartic. I felt that we had
more fire in our relationship. More passion. Yes, they're
affectionate towards each other, but something isn't
there. An element is missing. Seeing them hug and kiss
didn't make me feel bad. What I had was different and
unique in it's own way. Something I'll always have that no
one else will ever get to experience. He may be with many
other woman in his lifetime, but he'll never forget me.
I tried to put on a happy face. I didn't try really hard,
but I did make some sort of effort. But, it was hard
because in the back of my mind all I could think about was
the baby. Not the baby I'm carrying now. But, the baby
that Ron and I lost. December 1st would have been my due
date. Rationally I know that only a small percentage of
babies are born on their due date, but the symbolism of
today is hard for me to shake. It's like cutting into a
healed scar. I've gotten over the abortion. It's something
I'll never forget, but December 1st will probably always
bring it back to the surface. Just as much as the day I
did it. I'll never forget what the nurse at Planned
Parenthood asked me when I came back for the follow-up
appointment two weeks after the procedure. She asked me if
I would recommend the procedure to my friends. I answered
with a simple "no", but inside I was thinking "I wouldn't
recommend it to my worst enemy". I'm very liberal. I'm not
anti-abortion. I just never thought it would be something
I'd do. I suppose life takes strange turns. As I always
say. No regrets.
I need to go to bed now. It's almost 3am. I know I'll
sleep well, which is solace. Ciao.
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